When Life Gets Painful

I wish this post was easier to write. My heart is so heavy. I usually on a scale of 1 to 10 have about an 8 day.  I am coping better with the grief and working through the rough days. I am finding more peace within and am able to console others instead of dwelling inside my own pain. I call that progress.

My faith is filling me up and growing by leaps. Then, the bottom falls out. I am thrilled with the prospect of being grandma for the 9th time, 10th if you count my bonus grandson, and I am hoping he lets me some day.

When your child is hurting you comfort them. When you can't, if you are like me, you pound you head on a wall and want nothing more than to take her pain away and absorb it. Such has been the last few days.

Tina and Jacob lost their baby due in June. To some, babies are not real until they are outside the womb. To us, babies are real once you know they are part of you. You feel blessed and chosen and excited and scared and all at once you are swept up into a bundle of emotions culminating in a beautiful gift of a child. Such was their world until this past Thursday when the doctor could not find a heartbeat. 

The worst sound in the world is no sound when you are anxiously awaiting the rapid tender beating of your baby's heart. Your world changes in that split second and sadness overwhelms you with the knowledge that  for whatever reason, your baby will not be born into this world.

With faith I can say I don't need to know why, but I must admit I question Tina and Jake having to suffer through this, but then it will strengthen their bond of support and love they already created within their little family. I believe that God has a plan and we are all part of it, even their little tiny baby, who has already been chosen to go to Heaven. 

I believe Tina and Jake were chosen for their strength and their faith, whether it has grown or needs to grow, only God has that answer, but that is between Tina, Jake and God. I will pray for them to have peace and acceptance during this time.

When life gets painful, I drop to my knees and look up to the sky. There I seem to find my peace. In prayer, I can talk with my Father and rant if I need to, cry if I want to, and feel His love all the while. He never turns His back on me, even when I am in a tantrum. He knows my pain and tries to comfort me. I am not ashamed of my human frailty. I am weak and I know His perfect love will forgive my weakness. 

Please keep my family in prayer and remember God's love never fails, His plan has not yet unfolded and we must answer in faith to His calling. My newest Grand Angel rests peacefully in the arms of his or her Aunt Shannon, with the Heavenly Father watching over them both. Some day I pray they will greet me at the gates of Heaven so I can take both of them in my arms when they welcome me home!

Blessings for a beautiful Christmas Season.

Rose L.

Take A Minute

Right this very minute~ Stop what you are doing and take a minute to Thank God. Want a reason why? Turn around and open your eyes? Where are you, in your home or dwelling. What are you doing? Reading this message, and are you reasonably healthy? Do you generally have food on your table, clothes on your back?

Have you been blessed with work this past year? Do you have family and friends that love you?

What more do you need? Take a minute~ Please, and Thank God, without Him none of this would be possible.

Smell the turkey cooking? Hear the ruckus in the kitchen? Have you tasted His goodness? All the more reasons to be truly Thankful. We are so blessed!

Just the fact we can communicate through airwaves, amazes me. People I might not otherwise have the ability to talk with or chat with, are now involved in my life and I am thankful for the inventions and innovations that make that possible.

My dog sits at my feet and looks lovingly up at me. She gives nothing but love, and my cat snuggles me when I am sad. Animals are very instinctive and caring creatures. We can learn a lot from them, if we open our eyes, and hearts. I am thankful for my Sierra and Harley.

Truth is, I am thankful for most these days. I got up this morning and wasn't aching. I am able to function and move about and pray. It's indeed a beautiful day! Simple things I overlook some days, I need to be thankful for today and everyday. Some are less fortunate. 

When I am able, I need to give back and help out because over the years, people have been good to me. It is easy to forget when I am doing well, but when I call to mind some of the rougher days, I remember being hungry and worried about bills and raising my three girls. I remember the kindnesses people showed me. I am thankful for those kindnesses.

Today, is a bittersweet day for me. I miss my Angel, Shannon. She left this earth in February of 2011 and nothing will ever be the same. For the last couple of years, celebrating holidays really didn't enter my mind or my heart. I am feeling better and reaching out for help and getting it. Now, I can feel joy with my heart and not just my head again. I am thankful I had the wonderful blessing of my sweet daughter for 34 incredible years and I will see her again. Gobble, gobble said the turkey, Shanny!

So, please as you begin your busy day~ take a minute and reflect and be thankful! Blessings for a beautiful day of family and friends.

Giving Thanks

This year, for the first time in the last several years, I am feeling the rush of the holidays. I am getting in the spirit of the season and looking forward to the festivities. I am so thankful to be "feeling" with my heart again, and not just my head.

Looking over the last many months, a lot has transpired. Much to be grateful for in life. My health is holding up, and at 58, that is a lot to be thankful for, it seems. Other than a 'few' extra pounds, I am in pretty good health, needing a little more exercise.

My wonderful husband still makes me laugh and holds me when I cry. I am so thankful for him. He truly understands every facet of my very complex being. And what he doesn't understand, he still accepts. Another blessing for me to count!

Three beautiful daughters, I am always and forever grateful for every day. They have been my blessings from the first day I met each one, and will be until I celebrate life eternal with them all in Heaven. Though, Shanny will not be at my Thanksgiving table, her Spirit is tucked inside my heart and I know her love is with me and the rest of the family when we gather. Our memories are sweeter and she will always be cherished and remembered.

Eight absolutely awesome grandchildren who rock my Grandmotherly socks off! Their laughter, their sweetness, their personalities and the time I share with them is precious to me and they make me feel very loved and very special. I love being able to pretend I am whoever they want me to be, just for a little while, and their world is my world and together we conquer the bad peoples and the monsters. Then, some days it's all about the fairies and the princesses. Sometimes, I am taught about computers and the next the wide world of wrestling. We can make crafts, or watch a movie, eat pizza or snuggle. It doesn't matter to me, as long as we spend time together. I am grateful Shannon never gave up teaching me how precious time was when the kids are young. I was always too busy for a while, working and going to the gym and out with friends. Well, I am thankful I am learning what is really important!

My work. I have been blessed to work with a great bunch of folks and this year, I was given an opportunity to move into another direction within the same organization. I am thrilled and feel very blessed to have been chosen for the new job. I am very grateful for this blessing.

Family~ such a sweet collection of some of the most wonderful people I know. From my sisters and my brother, to my nieces and nephews and cousins. Years past taught me all about Aunts and Uncles and what an important role they played in my life. Then, I had a real awakening in my heart, Thank You, Lord and He showed me how very important my sisters and brother are to me. God is so patient with me. And my sisters and brother, well, I am the baby, so that should pretty much explain it.

Friends are not easy to come by in this world. I have made a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends. For those people in my life, I am so very grateful. They have seen me at my best, and hung in there with me at my worst. When I needed a shoulder, they have been there and when I was away for almost seven years, my return was greeted as though I never left. I am so very thankful.

And here I am beginning yet another chapter. Recognizing how my life is changing yet again. I feel as if I am growing at the ripe old age of almost 60. God is calling me to speak out  and live my faith out loud. To write about it and to share my joy with others. Our time on this earth is short, we are just passing through on our way Home. Don't we really want to take all our family and friends with us? 

I am thankful God is patient and merciful. He has blessed us again with a world to learn to love each other and Him. To plan our journey and to help others along the way. We have a lot to be thankful for really. Let's begin with each other.

Blessings!

Grief and Gratitude for the Red, White and Blue

Monday, November 11th is Veterans Day. A day I grieve for many family members and friends who have served in the armed forces and live daily with the aches and pains earned while performing duty for their country. Sometimes, I forget what many have suffered to give me freedom. It shames me sometimes when I see a homeless veteran wearing his fatigues asking for money to buy food. Looking tired and lost, I wonder what happened to our broken system and how we will fix our country and make it whole once again.

I am a dreamer. I truly believe if we could remember our lives as children~the carefree freedom of loving one another without hesitation or fear, we might have a chance at saving our country. Greed seems to have overcome our nation. Power seems to be the prize of the day, and for what I ask myself? Does any of it matter in the end? 

This world is but a resting place, it will pass and all the physical things of this world will be lost. Then what? Will we be able to stand before our Creator and answer for our actions? I know our Veterans will. They serve selflessly, often doing what is not comfortable for them, and foreign in nature to them. But, they serve their country's needs. 

When I look out over the cemetery grounds, the sea of white brings tears to my eyes but on reflection I know they are in the hands of the Greatest Leader they could ever serve, and being praised for a job well done. On their Special Day of Recognition, God really does Bless America!

I just want to take a moment to remember and give respect to all our armed forces and our service men and women who proudly have served and continue to serve our country and keep us free. These are my true heroes, who deserve the goodness of this day and all the blessings it can bring!

God bless you and thank you for all you have done and continue to do. Blessings!

Rose L.

Pre-Thanksgiving Thanks

Every day should be Thanksgiving! There is so much in my life to be thankful for these days! I have the most supportive family that knows how to love me in every stage of my grief. They know when to advance and retreat, and when they get confused~ they ask! When I feel like talking, I can pick up the phone and talk away, and when I need solitude to heal, they grant me that, but continue to pray for me. What greater blessing could I possibly receive?

My three little Angels, one in Heaven to watch over me and two right here beside me, such love God has blessed me with from all sides!

A husband who listens and catches my tears. We may not be the richest in money. We may not drive fancy cars, but my husband listens to me when I need to talk and share, he hears me sob and he catches my tears. He will envelop me in his arms and weep with me at times. We are great friends and when we fuss, there is no fear that it will go further than a fuss, we have learned to trust. 

Eight unbelievable grand children that are filled with love and smiles and hugs! Each one unique and sharing their own personality with me when we play. I love that part the best. I can truly be anything and anyone I want to be with them, and they love me all the more for it! If I fancy a queen or a magician one day, they are my audience, and their laughter is my reward. When after I color a picture, I hear,"so pretty MeeMaw, I so proud of you." Nothing else much matters. I told you, I am very blessed and extremely grateful.

Two best friends who knew me before I really knew myself. They have loved me through it all-good and bad and in-between. A rare find in this crazy world!  Friends who are able to grasp my quirky side and smile with it. Some may not get me, but these two friends have laughed with me and cried with me, and shaken fists at those that have tried to hurt me. Treasures of my heart.

I have something so fantastically special that I want to share it everyone I meet! I have Salvation. The Lord Jesus saved me and Heaven awaits, where one day I will be reunited with my family, my friends, and most of all~my Shanny. Without this most precious gift, it wouldn't be possible. 

I have a job and a roof over my head and food and clothes and all the things in life I sometimes take for granted. Today, I want to stop and take a moment to be thankful. It should never take a holiday to say thank you for all the blessings poured down from up above. Some days, I feel rushed and hurriedly go about my business, meaning to say thank you, just not doing it. Other days, I am sad and don't feel like saying thank you, because my heart is hurting, so I push the feeling aside. 

And then, there are days like today, when I feel the blessings, I see them, and I look around and I am humbled by this beautiful world God has blessed me with and all that He has given me. Do I still grieve for my daughter? Of course. But, I am able to feel joyful and appreciate my blessings. Some days, I think I appreciate them even more. Maybe that is another lesson Shanny is teaching me along life's journey. To remember to say thank you, even when it isn't Thanksgiving~it should be!

Blessings! 

Scary Stuff

Halloween is right around the corner! What is one of your scariest memories as a kid?
I'll tell you one of mine. It wasn't even Halloween. It was a school picnic. The Fun House.
Right. I waited in a long line to be scared out of my wits! I was only about 8 years old and I was
really scared. I went into the Fun House, only to be led into a dark trailer, decorated with flying creatures, ghosts, goblins and the like, and the kicker-an animal skin.

Once I brushed up against the animal skin, it was all over! I tried to turn around and go against the crowd, but I couldn't. No one would let me back through the line to get out. I was pushed forward through the other parts of the trailer. I became very familiar with the person in front of me-whoever it was. I burrowed in as much as I could and clenched my eyes shut as tight as I could. I tried not to look at or feel anything. I shuffled forward, crying quietly and telling myself it would be over soon. All of a sudden, there was light!

My eyes were adjusting from the dark, I quickly recognized the schoolyard and heard the other kids outside the Fun House hooting it up! I was just happy to put the experience behind me. From that day on, I couldn't go near haunted houses, fright nights, or anything really scary. I to this day, don't like scary masks, spooky music or creepy things that go bump in the night! And forget about rubbing up against anything furry unexpectedly!That's scary stuff.

Now, scary stuff means not knowing all the answers. When our children are young, we are MOM-we are their Maker of Miracles, M.O.M. As we become truly wiser and stronger in our Faith, we realize our strength lies in our knowledge of God and His wisdom. His Truth and His Light. He is the Maker of all Miracles, and when we recognize that in our hearts, we can actually relax.

As kids, kissing a boo-boo and making it all better is a miracle. As they get a little older, our ability to know a lot takes a nose dive and we are often replaced with peers of a much greater degree of know-it-all. But, then a few years go by, and the kids again look to us for some reassurance about decision making. My girls still call me for an ear. They do not want me to tell them what to do, just to listen and tell them it's going to be alright. My faith guides those conversations.

There was a time when they had lost their way with faith. I couldn't mention anything about God, or Faith or anything-and they were all over me-that, was scary stuff. I had to pray for guidance and generally, keep my mouth closed until they were ready to go to God. I am not the Miracle Maker, God is. Scary stuff, like I said-I have had to be reminded a time or two myself!

Now, it is a known fact that I will speak my mind if asked, my faith is my rock and the only way I choose to go through this life is being guided by His Light. I have had too many opportunities to fail on my own, and it is not in my best interest to tackle this life single-handed. When the girls ask, I answer, I pray first and then talk with them about their concerns, it doesn't have to be scary stuff.

As I grow closer to finding myself in total awe of what is to come next, I ask myself-have I done something good today? Did somebody smile because I cared enough today? Have I thanked Jesus for the chance to serve Him today? I know it sounds a little cheesy, right? But it works for me. I don't need to know all the answers anymore, I just need to know I am giving it all I've got today!

Giving it any less, would be scary stuff!

Blessings!

Moments Create Memories

Moments captured, create memories-agreed?

I look back on the moments that stay safely tucked within my heart, and understand at the time, I did not realize those moments would become precious memories. That is how life is every day.

A moment here, a thought there, something profoundly stated tucked in the middle all come together to create a memory. We are gifted with thousands of them every day, and we have to pick and choose which ones we keep and which we discard. It is like going through negatives in our memory box. Our minds cannot hold every precious moment we take in even in one day's time, so we must learn to make them all count.

I did not learn that until I lost my daughter from this life. I know I will see her again, but I am limited with the number of moments I have to remember from her childhood and young life, as well as her young adult life. Shanny on the other hand, made every moment matter. Both Jason and Shannon would take an ordinary moment with the kids and make it a magical memory captured on camera. There are countless pictures of their beautiful family-being just that-a beautiful family. Not all pretty and posed, everyday life, pajama mornings, late night couch snuggling, sno-cone stained t-shirt smiles, it's all there in living color. Their family made life amazing!

How I love that Jason shares their many photos and home movies with me and the family. He knows how I crave to see her, and hear her voice. His strength and courage continue to amaze me, as a husband and a father. As a son (in-law) I wouldn't be any prouder if he were my own. He is truly an awesome man taking on the role of parent on so many levels. He is such a blessing! I respect and admire him more than he will ever know, Shannon knew that would happen. In one of our talks, she told me-one day, you will know the Jason I know, and you will love him the way I do, he's awesome, Mom.

And here we are today, that moment with her created a memory I tucked away. A mother-daughter talk. We had lots of those. Sometimes, we just giggled. Sometimes, we actually talked. Shanny always persisted when it came to spending time together. No matter how busy I claimed to be, she would say-you're never too busy for us, Mom.

Sometimes, she made me feel guilty, other times, I couldn't stop hugging her. Never, did I stop loving her-even in the craziest of times, we muddled through-because that's what people do that love each other. You get past it, you hug and you move on.

Shannon always seemed to be teaching me not to take for granted the Moments or the Memories. She always wanted Family Time. It was so very important to her. And, I must admit, some days she wore me out. Along with her intensity came a great deal of energy and running: errands, shopping, in circles..with Shannon you never knew where you might be running!!

And always love of her children. I am not saying she was a picture perfect Mom. She had her moments when she spoke in anger and said mean things. What I admired was her reflection and ability to own her mistakes and step up and apologize to each one individually for her wrong doing. I don't think any one could fault her for loving her kids as much as she did. She and Jason made a great team! Together they built a home of love and warmth and encouragement. The belief was to build self-esteem and respect not to beat them into submission with force or fear. I loved the way they parented and Jason still does. His love always shows first. 

When I close my eyes and think of all the moments in my life, I realize how much God has truly blessed me. My family, my friends, my career, my love for nature-most importantly, my Faith, God has strengthened my Faith when I called out to Him in distress, He answered me. 

This journey, this biography and autobiography of myself and my Shanny holds such precious moments that I will forever cherish, and the memories-I am joyful because God is allowing me the strength to keep on making new ones with my beautiful family and friends of this world, until I am called to see my Shanny again and catch up on old Memories!

Blessings!

All God's People

As I read the headlines, I sit in disbelief. Such political unrest, chaos in our own government and murder in our streets. My heart is so heavy, I begin to pray and then weep. There are so many who do not have God in their lives-any God. No matter what you call Him, to many people He or She does not exist. Where is their hope?

Hear me out-what if God (your God, my God-for the sake of saving argument, let's call Him Our God), created all of us differently, for a reason. It takes so many threads to weave a blanket, and so many drops to fill an ocean-wouldn't you agree, that it would take many different peoples to complete a world?

And along with different people, God gave us different languages, cultures, abilities and gifts. He gave us our own personalities to develop, minds to fill and educate, smiles to bring joy to one another. God even created as many ways for people to find Him.We boxed them up and called them religions. So, if God in all His wisdom-created all these tools for us to use to find Him in our daily walk on earth, why have we twisted ourselves into knots fighting over who is better, who should rule what lands, who's God is bigger and stronger? I do not not believe God intended us to use His precious gifts to wage war on one another, He created each of us in His likeness, to honor Him and to share in His world and then the next for all eternity. Who are we to judge His people, His paths to find Him-pure paths, not our versions, or His languages and God given gifts?

I believe we are all God's people, He is patient and loving, but I do not think His immense tolerance should ever be mistaken for weakness. One day, He will come again to reclaim what is His, we do not know if He will come as Jew or Gentile, White or Black, Rich or Poor, but He will come. Shouldn't we be getting along by then? Does it really matter what color, or race? We are all God's people-and I believe His one everlasting commandment will always be to Love One Another.

Blessings!

The Children Teach

It is always amazing to me when I listen to children how much I learn. Their innocence and purity provide the best in spiritual fervor. During our PSR class, I was asked to read the Gospel and enact the story of Lazarus and the rich man. We gathered around our feast table and visited with friends, and one by one we spoke of what we were eating at our feast: mac n cheese, hamburgers, pizza, cotton candy, nerds, french fries and it was a rowdy feast to be sure! We were drinking sweet tea and milk and soda with crazy straws and in came Lazarus.

The children became Lazarus in an instant. Huddled in a ball, begging for help from weariness and hunger. Pain wracking his weakened body, but the rich man knew him not. All at once, I had fourteen very small rich men dying at my feet, but not entering the gates of Heaven. They were begging for a simple drink of water, from guess who? They all knew the answer-Lazarus, they shouted! But, where was Lazarus? In Heaven, they said, as if the answer could be no easier than that. Abraham, answered the rich man's request-it is too late to be a friend to Lazarus now. You had your chance.

The kiddos readily adapted a bible story to today's world and began to give ideas of how they could share their worldly goods with others. Their toys, their clothes, food  for the food drive, even their time. They seemed to understand the concept of being a good friend and neighbor now, equates to Heaven later.

Life explained by the children always makes more sense to me. Why do we grown-ups always cloud it up with hatred, bigotry and racism.  Judging others? That is God's job. Our job is to do what the bible says-end of story. It's just that simple. Listen, as the children teach.

Blessings!

Blessings!

Who would think going to the dentist would be such a blessing? I usually associate the dentist with, well, you know, yucky stuff. Today, I was reminded about how much my daughter loved me again. Let me share the story..

I have always had some issues with going to dentists. It goes way back to my childhood and probably not having the best of dental care when I was child. I would put up such a fuss, I think the parents just figured it could wait another year. Before you know it lots of years went by and I began to suffer in my late teens. Having tried your neighborhood dentist, and that not working out too well; I had to search for a doctor who would administer "sleeping gas."

One such dentist surfaced in an old building on Grand Ave. and I  made my way there with cash in hand. That is the only way he agreed to see me. I know this all sounds like some plot from a bad Grade B movie, but I assure you it was real. I couldn't go alone because after the visit, I was often too woozy to walk much less drive. I became ill quite often from the gas, and would still be in pain a few days later, but I had my dentistry done the only way I could feel comfortable-out cold.

Fast forward a few years, my dentist passed away, the building closed down and I was at a loss once again. By this time I knew I had to have dental care so I asked some family and friends for  referrals. To make a long story short, three dentists later, being escorted out of a dental office in South County, I knew I had real issues. Laughing gas really isn't so funny when you become combative and knock a dentist in the chest as soon as he goes to examine your mouth. No, I was facing therapy and I needed real help for this.

Several years went by I married and had a little girl. Somehow, she managed to go to the dentist and never show fear. She actually liked getting her teeth cleaned. As she grew into a young lady, her smile began to light up my life in more ways than one. She became a real trooper and inspiration for me. When she became a mom, she asked me to go with her to the dentist for her son's first visit. I went along determined not to show fear or weakness. She took J-Bug in the office and he climbed up i the chair and smiled just as big as you please. The dentist made his way in the room and gently spoke with J-Bug and encouraged him to look at the equipment and ask questions. Once Jason had asked his questions and found his comfort zone, he relaxed and the visit went without a hitch.

It's amazing what a little human kindness can do to put you at ease in a frightening situation. This dentist was amazing to me. He clearly knew how to handle even the youngest of patients. When Shanny and I left the office, she asked me if she could help me find someone who would be patient with me. It was one of the sweetest gestures I have known.

When I was a youngster I had encountered a rather aggressive dentist who very seldom gave Novocaine an opportunity to take effect before he plundered on with drilling and sweating profusely. His own bad breath did little to comfort me. At one point, I actually passed out in the dentist chair and slid to the floor. My dad was called in from the waiting room and he took me home, embarrassed and not sure why I had passed out in the first place. I still remember spitting blood and drilled teeth for days. I remember the horrible smell in that office. That dentist did little in the way of helping me.

My daughter and I spoke at length about my fears. She assured me that most dentists did not treat their patients with such disrespect and lack of empathy. She began her search for a dental angel to help me through my pain.

Within a month or so, I was on my way to a dentist she had spoken with and explained my story. She accompanied me to his office and stood in the doorway while he assessed the damage to my teeth and gums.He knew of a specialist who could help me and worked with traumatized patients. He never once made light of my situation. He simply wanted to help. Shannon stayed with me the entire visit and took me home. Even though there was no invasive work done that day, she could tell it had taken a toll on me just to sit in the chair and allow him to touch my mouth and look inside.

Soon, I was introduced to my dentist that I have been seeing for the past almost 10 years. He and his staff are a godsend to me. I no longer dread seeing the dentist because I know he takes care of me and his staff are all wonderful. The first time I was in to see him, Shanny came with me and stood by the chair while he got x-rays and praised me for being so brave. She truly was understanding and loving and wanted my health more than anything.

After the discussion and dealings of what we could do, how we could save most of my teeth and even fix the gap that had bothered me since I was a small child, my relationship grew with my new dental family. So much more than that though, Shannon gave me the gift of patience and love when I really needed it. After my first really long visit with the dentist, a lot of work had been done, and I was very weak and swollen. I had no idea it was going to be so difficult for the first week or so. Shannon had me come stay at her house the first few days. When I felt strong enough, I went home, sporting a whole new smile!

So, blessings come in all different ways. Some as simple as a sweet memory I had tucked away. God is so good. I am beginning to see My Shanny in the smiles of others, even my own!

 

How To Raise Your Vibration Workshop Coming to St. Louis??...

Hello everybody,  it's Michelle Moceri here.

 I have blogged about this workshop before but wanted to discuss it again to see if there is any interest in having one in St. Louis this coming year.  What is great about this workshop is it is tailored to the needs of the group.  Coming to this workshop is an opportunity for you to release old patterns that keep coming up in your life, moving forward from being stuck in the past, and removing guilt and past hurts.  These are only a few topics we will discuss and work through.  If you are experiencing any of those that I just described, then I highly recommend this opportunity.

Paige Hall-Ferraro who is the founder of this workshop, and myself would come out to St. Louis to help in assisting you to move forward, so you can finally start living the life that you deserve.  We are all connected here in the universe, your story is my story, when you hurt we all hurt, when you decide to rise up and live in your truth, then that decision helps those around you.  We are part of this collective consciousness that affects all of us, so when WE start to awaken to our truth of why we are here, then we can be that beacon of light for others to raise their energy and consciousness as well.

Myself and Paige would come out for a few days to guide you on this journey, and meet you where you are at on your spiritual path.  Everyone is going at their own pace, and we fully respect that, but it's time to get moving and to start to take back your joy again and live fully in your authentic truth.  We would help you understand how to master your own energy and frequency, help you awaken your consciousness and stop living in the past, and we will talk about soul contracts we agreed to and how to clear them.  Paige and I will also talk about the importance of high vibrational eating and how that effects your journey of healing, and your personal frequency for growth. While we are at the workshop, and a loved one from the other side wants to pass along a message, then Paige or I will be happy to give to you.  Often our loved ones that have crossed over want to see us heal and move forward, so we would be happy to give you that information to assist in your healing.

Please visit our websites to get a feel of who we are and if you feel drawn to experience this workshop with us and Rose.  I feel Rose and I met for a very good reason and this is part of it.  Rose is so inspired to help those around her that are suffering too, and she thinks this workshop would be a great start for many of you and herself as well. Please let Rose or myself know if this workshop is something that would benefit you, and if you would like to attend.  Don't hesitate to pass this along if you know someone that would be interested.

I lived in O' Fallon and Chesterfield for 11 years and wouldn't mind going back for a visit of this highest good.  I send you all love and healing as you contemplate this decision to attend this workshop. I'll leave my information to get a hold of me if you have any concerns or questions.

Love and Light,
Michelle

#314-346-4977
www.soulhealingandspiritconnection.com
michelle1216@comcast.net

Paige Hall-Ferraro
www.paigehallferraro.com

Seeing Her in Their Smiles

What a gorgeous day to wake up and hear the birds and feel the cool morning air! My first thought was how blessed I am. I am learning that grief cannot rob me of my precious memories and it will not steal from me my purest moments of joy. It is mine to choose how I spend this day, and I choose-Happy!

Does that choice mean I stop grieving? Am I forgetting my beloved daughter? Am I disrespecting her memory in any way? The answer to all of those questions is, NO! But, I am making an effort to live life and remember the goodness and beauty she brought to this world, and I want to honor her memory by random acts of kindness throughout the day. Small acts that I know would make her smile. Simple acts that can impact and have an effect on someone else's day.

I am learning to see my daughter in the smiles of others. I treasure those moments when I can see her in her children. Her silliness, her gestures, even her dance moves! Each one of them carries her with them in their own special way and it touches my heart. I hope they will always carry her with them in their hearts as they grow up.

But lately I have prayed for God to show me how to come out of my slump. I am struggling with writing and actually was feeling a little more down than I wanted to admit. I was anxious and not getting enough sleep and sadness would come on me at strange times. I knew the answer would come from prayer.

As always, patience is not a virtue I am gifted with, I am a slow learner. God is sure patient with me though. He gently reassures me Shannon is happy and at peace. She is busy and helping others in her heavenly duties. There will come a day when I will be reunited with her again, and He is as good as His word. He asked me to check in with the Holy Spirit for guidance and to trust in His will.

So, again I went into thoughtful prayer, meditation and deep conversation with my Holy Spirit. I know some of you are unfamiliar with my beliefs and some of you may not agree with my beliefs, but I can only write about what I know to be true. There is a Holy Spirit that surrounds me and fills me and loves me and guides me in my most troubled and anguished times. I sometimes forget this Spirit is there all the time, not only in troubles times, because it seems I call on Him most then, when I am in pain and need healing.

As always, He drew me close and filled me with a peace that can only come from Heaven. I poured out my heart and asked for advice as to how to make a transition from selfish grief, by that term-I mean grief that serves no purpose, not even to myself. I go back to that kind of grief when I am feeling sorry for myself for one reason or another, and it may not really have anything to do with grieving. I am getting better at recognizing it though and do not want to remain a party to it. I can define healthy grief-it allows me to grow from an experience and move into another place. In the new place, I can look back and I can look forward-I am not stuck.

I was in that place and needed to move from it again. This time, the Spirit suggested something different for me. I have asked to find some positive ways to share my day with others who may not have the opportunities I have been given. Simple gestures of good will-a wave, a smile, even a courteous nod can light up a person's day for them!

Guess what began to happen? Church members would receive my smile and their face would light up as they smiled in return. It was beautiful as each illuminating face, young and old held a moment for me that spoke to my heart of Shannon. As I gazed to the status of Mary I noticed the sunlight was dancing off the stained glass window and the wall came alive in color. The movement danced, and of course, I smiled. Funny thing, was some people didn't realize why I was smiling and they smiled in return which gave me more reason to smile and the blessings continued. We had a young choir sing for us and their sweet pure voices reached our ears and as I looked around, smiles and nods of pleasure were all around me-it was beautiful!

In the evening, I was blessed to share time with my family celebrating a birthday of a much loved sister. As we get older, we cherish our time together. Our hugs and our kisses, our singing silly songs and telling stories from our youth, mean more than I can put into words. The smiles, I can't describe how their smiles impact my heart. I feel so safe and loved when I am with them, and I know I am loved when I am not with them. Family, brings a genuine smile to my heart.

I went about my day, stopping at the store and sharing a smile and a handshake and always getting one in return and realizing, what a simple gesture can do to change our day. If these small random little acts of kindness bring happiness to our hearts, why not do it every day? So, that is my goal.

To do random acts of kindness, and see her in their smiles! Blessings for a truly happy day.

Healing Begins with Just One

                                       Just one...

I often wondered what it would feel like to be out of shock and able to navigate the world at large. After 2-10-11, my world has been defined as pre-date and post-date happenings. I can remember most things before that date pretty clearly, and a lot of what followed that date fell into a foggy abyss. I am just beginning the descent into the fog to reclaim my lost memories of other family events and precious moments spent with grandchildren and my two wonderful daughters and my husband.

Coming face-to-face with grief is exhausting. It takes everything I have some days to carry me though, but I know I am getting one day closer to healing. Shannon does not want me to live in the world of missing her physical existence. By doing that, I am losing sight of all of the beauty she shared with the world when she was here. Instead, she would like for me to share her love of nature and God's earth and all things green. Her love for her children and family. 

Like the pictures on the walls that the kids draw-each one depicts a story, a feeling of family. They warm my heart, because they remember. And yet, they are stepping forward into tomorrow with bright smiles and silly giggles and funny dances. The way, Shanny would want them to dance through today and greet a new day. She is with them. They know it; even if they are not aware of it, in their hearts-they know it.

So, my lesson for today is to learn from the kids. I am going to paint a new picture, remembering her love, her smile and her absolute beauty and hang it on my wall for all the world to see. I will carry her in my heart to have with me at all times. I will march confidently into tomorrow, knowing she is with me, and that God's love is already there to meet me.

I will pack each day full of joy and love and top it off with a hug for good measure! I will honor her memory by planting a seed of hope in someone else's day. Her smile will radiate through me and greet people as I tackle the day and the opportunities it presents me to spread my own special brand of joy. Then, I will reflect on the day and ask two important questions-did I honor God today? Did I help just one person feel better?  If I can smile,as I lay my head down to rest, all is right at the end of another day.

Blessings!

Letter to Heaven

Dear Loved One,

This might sound crazy to you, but no matter how many times I hear the words-they are in a better place, I still miss you. So, let's just get that straight. I am, personally never going to forget the way you smile, or laugh or smell. The simple way you walk across the room or the way, you lit up a room when you walked into it.

I know, you fulfilled your purpose here on earth, and I still need to find mine. I get all that, I am trying. Please, I am doing the very best I can, every day. This isn't a marathon or a race, and I am not trying to grieve in the fastest time allowed and break a new record. If I want to dance along the way, please allow me the dance floor to do it. I will bring my own music.

If I sound angry or frustrated, I apologize. Truth is, some days I cannot name all the emotions I run through in a day. Some bring my heart peace, others more pain and still others, I cannot put a definition on but I want to believe they are all a part in this healing process. I am not comfortable calling it a process, it seems like a lifetime ago, when my life was just a life, now it has become a process and a search for new paths and normal..

Some people mean well when they say things and others really do not cope well with not sharing the spotlight. Well, let me tell you, this is one spotlight you really don't want to share. If you need attention so badly, you have greater issues than grieving the loss of a loved one. This is a private journey, and sometimes it is extremely lonely. Some days it feels like the pain will never go away. The guilt of not having done all that could have been done when it should have been done sets in, and it drains you.

Grief and guilt often intermingle and confuse themselves with pain and anger. Sadness seems too difficult to define so anger becomes an easier path to take. There is almost comfort in some anger, blame and hurt are constant companions and often lead us down dark paths. They are not caring friends who have our best interest at heart though. They do not care if we grow and heal. 

And so, I am getting lost in the real reason for this letter. I want to tell you how much I love you. How much I miss you and how I want to make you happy by doing what you would want me to do. I can promise you I will try. I don't know if I will get there today, or maybe not even tomorrow, but I will get there. My promise is as real as Heaven.

I know I will see you again. I know you are safe and happy in the arms of Jesus. I know you are at peace and feel nothing but love. All these things I know, but my heart-well, it still feels pain. It doesn't mean I am giving up, because I will never do that, just please be patient with me. And don't forget to send me an occasional sign. Birds, butterflies, coins, feathers, clouds.. I love those signs, they help me heal. 

Love,

Me

P.S. When I blow kisses to Heaven..please know they always come with a hug!

Powerful Reading

Books sometimes touch my very core. They enlighten, enrich and energize me-especially on certain subjects! The subject of today's post-NDE. Are you a believer or not? Please weigh in on this very personal and important topic and share your views.

I just finished reading, "Proof of Heaven", by Eben Alexander, M.D. The reason this book stood out for me was it didn't come with a lot of hopeful, flowery picturesque scenarios. It was pretty straight forward talk. To my surprise, I found myself wanting to read more and more because of its ring of truth approach and less talk more proof on the pages appeal. 

Never, did I think I would be so skeptical. I enjoy reading the lighter versions of Life After Death and Near Death Experiences. Books always gave me a dose of hope and reason to believe. Then, I realized how foolish I sounded, even to myself. I cannot possibly rely on someone else's  account of what happened to them, I have only my relationship with the Lord to fall back on. Isn't that the meaning of Faith? I can't proclaim Faith out loud and then only believe if someone else convinces me it's real.

So, when I picked this book up on the recommendation of my son-in-law, I did so knowing, or at least thinking I knew what I was going to read. Was I ever wrong! This book is clearly open and honest and speaks from a scientific point of view, as well as a truly awe-inspired, I know I still don't understand all of it either, but I have to share it, heartfelt place.

What I took away from this book was raw truth of afterlife. It left me with a different assurance than most reads of NDE books for me. Possibly because he is a man of science-and they are traditionally great arguers of the impossibility of life after death.

The fact that the brain, the very part of your body you think and reason with-was virtually completely inaccessible due to a rare illness, and for seven days he was in a coma-wasn't enough to make you wonder how much he and his family could endure, just when his doctors considered it was time to stop all medications and treatment; he wakes up and and literally, his brain comes back to life.

Dr. Alexander is a modern day medical miracle, and more than that, his real story tells us of much more than a medical phenomenon. His journey is beyond this world and into another much more miraculous than the one we live in now. His guide, an angelic being, accompanied him to meet and speak with the Divine Creator of the universe itself.

This is no fairy tale. Prior to his journey he could not bring himself to grips with a belief in heaven, souls, or God. Ask him today, and Alexander will give you a different philosophy. Today, his beliefs are true health cannot be achieved until we realize that God and the soul are real and that death is not the end of our personal existence, but only a transition.

This was a terrific read for me. I did not want to put it down. I found it very enlightening and not as cutesy as other books regarding NDE experiences. Maybe, because he was a doctor of science-he needed proof himself, I don't know. What I do know is this-this book is worth reading!

Blessings!
Rose L.

When God Answers Out Loud

Some days God speaks softly to my heart. So softly I must close my eyes to concentrate on what He is saying. Other days, like today-He answers me out loud. Loud enough that anyone who was listening would hear His message. Believer or non-believer, His thunderous voice left no one to challenge His authority.

These are the days that make having Faith seem easy. Everything, if only for a moment falls into place and makes sense. The only thing we cannot do-is bring Shannon back. That would be our first choice, but it is not an option in this case. God has heard my prayers for justice and answered them with favor. 

I did not pray for evil to befall anyone. I did not pray for harm to come to anyone. I only wanted truth and honor and justice for my daughter. Tears have been shed, sorrow has been shared, condolences have been offered, but responsibility had not been taken until today. When God answered out loud.

It wasn't a matter of looking to place blame on someone. It was a matter of knowing things had gone horribly wrong and no one was taking responsibility for their lack of care and appropriate action. Even her cries were quietly ignored as she slipped further and further away. How do you profess to be a preserver of life, and watch someone suffer and do little to nothing to give them a fighting chance to live? How do you go home and sleep at night knowing you should have done something to save a life but you were so lost in the errors you had created, you literally did nothing-and her life gradually faded away.

Is life so casual to you that you can walk away from someone not knowing the fate of your error? Are you so misguided to think you have the right to take someones life without so much as a backward glance as you exit the building? Surely, you know God is all forgiving, but first you must make peace with those you have harmed. When was that going to happen?

I will sleep tonight knowing my daughter's voice was finally heard. I cannot judge the actions of another, nor do I want to, but I am responsible for owning my mistakes and not using my mistake to hide behind and try to overstate the obvious. We, as humans might be able to trick or fool another human, but when God answers out loud, He speaks for those who cannot speak for themselves.

As a mother-we feel when our children are in need of us. We feel their pain and we know instinctively when something is wrong. Intuitively, we respond to their cry for help. Never be afraid to answer that call. Never be ashamed to ask questions. Never doubt your gut feelings.

The death of a child is a nightmare. Reliving the nightmare was torture watching my son-in-law suffering through the last two weeks of trial, and my daughters grieving for the loss of their sister as they heard the evidence of malpractice against Dr. Robert P. Ferrara, a cardiologist who works at (St. Johns) Mercy Hospital as part of the Mercy Clinic Heart and Vascular. A jury found Dr. Ferrara's malpractice caused or contributed to the death of my daughter, Shannon Dodson.

God's voice rang loud and clear through the courtroom as the verdict was read aloud. Bittersweet tears were shed for Shannon and the family. Nothing will replace my daughter's life, but her voice deserved to be heard. Since the doctor did not want to listen in the Cath Lab, God decided He would answer Out Loud!

My message is this-ask questions. There is no such thing as a routine procedure. Ask for credentials. Ask for plans in case of emergencies. Ask for second opinions. Ask until you feel comfortable with the answers you are provided- Do not allow yourself to be bullied by the healthcare providers. Do not allow them to ignore your requests for consults. Do not tolerate their arrogance or indifference. They should never be too busy to comfort or respond to a patient.

Whether you are a spouse or a parent (and I do not care how old the child is) if it doesn't feel right-ask. As a parent we are intuitive, and we need to follow our gut instincts. I have to work on my approach, granted; but I still am of the belief it is my responsibility and right to ask and get answers regarding the care and treatment of my children.

Some days, our challenge is to follow in the Lord's footsteps. He is so Forgiving and Loving. I am not there yet. I am still sad and angry that people can be so callous and uncaring. Especially people we trust who are in a position of caring for us and healing our hurts. I expect empathy and compassion, as well as responsive and timely care. Knowing that my daughter was treated so poorly and I couldn't be with her to soothe her or at least calm her fears, hurts so deeply, I cannot explain the pain. I am angry with myself for relying on the doctor to provide proper care, and yes-I am saddened that she trusted Mercy with her life, literally.

I cannot express enough the importance of pre-procedure consultation and discussion. Please be fully aware before you undergo any procedure, not just the risks of the procedure, but the capabilities of the physician performing the procedure in ordinary situations and the plan of action for emergent situations should they arise.  If you do not clearly feel confident in the plan, forego the procedure, if possible. Get a second opinion, consider all your options, other facilities, and avenues of determining tests that are available to you to meet your diagnostic needs.

I honestly feel that Shannon's voice went unheard in the hospital, so God answered out loud in the courtroom.

• 

  St. Louis County jury awards $10.8 million medical negligence verdict : Business

  www.stltoday.com

  Damages are awarded to the family of a woman treated by Mercy cardiologist

        Update from Jason Dodson, husband of Shannon and father of Jason, Jr., Eva and Gus.

1. There are a couple of things I want people to know: 1. I am extremely grateful and humbled by the outpouring of support, love and prayers for me and the kids; 2. Yes, Robert Ferrara, M.D. still works at Mercy. This was a civil case where the jury only had the power to award money damages. There is a separate and secret proceeding that would occur with the Missouri Board of Healing Arts; and 3. ...There is a law in Missouri that severely limits the amount of damages that can be levied against a doctor who kills his or her patient, no matter what the jury does. The jury award will be severely reduced by the judge because of this law.
   
   I won't editorialize about points 2 and 3 right now because I have nothing nice to say about them.

   
   

   Blessings!

   Rose L.

When People Disappoint

Forgiveness is so difficult. Especially, when you know it is not necessarily deserved or even desired. But, I must remember, my forgiveness is not deserved and the Heavenly Father forgives me my transgressions daily.

Some days, letting go of my anger is so much easier. Perhaps, I am not attached to it. What I mean is, the reasons I got angry really didn't matter to me. In the big scheme of things, the people that served to frustrate me that moment-don't take up much space in my world or my heart. It really only hurts to let go of anger, when I am close to the object of my anger, or the reason I am angry. You had to play a significant role in my life for it to matter and for me to want to hold on to it. So, either I am hurting directly from it, or you hurt someone I love or care about very much.

It takes a lot of prayer for me to let go. Whether I am praying or others are praying for me, I will feel a shift in my capacity to cope and accept what is, so that I don't dwell on what was. That doesn't mean I don't think about it, or sometimes miss aspects of it, or feel sadness about it. It simply means I am moving into a phase of acceptance and God's grace is helping my focus move from desiring what I can no longer have to embracing the moments I can cherish and hold close in my heart.

I always pray that I do not disappoint Him. I also ask for guidance because I cannot move into forgiveness on my own accord when it is buried in anger and pain. I want to because I know it is the correct thing to do, but I want to feel it when I forgive someone, not just say the words. Some days I think God is asking an awful lot of me to forgive someone who created a lot of devastation and pain in my family and doesn't even show remorse or think forgiveness is needed. Then, I think I am supposed to forgive the person in my heart and bear no ill feelings. I have to pray my way through this until I can truly forgive, because I know I am not there today.

There are so many levels of grief. One is buried underneath another and sometimes they are entwined. I want to let go and move on of some levels but not on all levels. I equate moving on with forgetting, and I will never do that. I want to celebrate her life. I want to honor her memory and I want to live this life in a way I know she would smile at-that's what I really want and pray for. Most of all, I pray for God's peace and guidance through life and into the next, so I will see her again, see her smile and embrace her.

I do not hold this life accountable for my sadness. People sometimes disappoint us, sometimes we are the 'disappointers'. This life is a place to learn to love and to forgive, and most of all to celebrate life. Thank you Lord for being the best Mentor,  I could ask for. Your patience and kindness, Your forgiveness and unconditional love have shown me the way.

Blessings!

Getting Beyond the Physical

This is so difficult for me to write. I know how important this is to get to in the healing process, but it is a painful place to get through because it feels as if you are leaving your loved one behind. 

The truth is, you are simply accepting them in a spiritual form and recognizing their physical form no longer exists in this world. The word betrayal came to mind at first. I do not want to forget any part of Shannon and I don't want anyone else to either. Today, I had an awakening.

People go on with their lives, in spite of my loss. As horrible as it is to me, other people can and will go on with their life. But, isn't it the same for me when someone else loses someone close to them? Don't I send my condolences and get back to my world of work and church and grand kids and grief?

Human nature has us going in circles every day. Every one of us is fighting a battle. Whether it is home related, work related, personal or spiritual, you can bet not one of us is on top of the world every day. We can't judge anyone, really-because we don't know what battle that person is fighting today.

The very best we can do, is remember them in our prayers and thank God for our blessings. On a good day, we can reach out with a smile and a kind word. When things are really going good-offer a helping hand and your time to someone who needs it. 

Now, if you really want to do something worthwhile-do that something special on a day you are challenged. Pick a day when the war is raging inside you and you want to shake your fist at the world. You will actually feel much better once you forget your own problems and focus on someone else's. Believe me, you will find your world doesn't look all that bad!

Coping skills don't come easy and some days they don't come at all, and you want to pull your hair out, but that is when you need to take a deep breath and relax. 

Losing my daughter has been the most difficult change in my life. But, I haven't really lost her at all. I have to learn to celebrate her life and her love. She might not be physically here with me, but her spirit will live on in the acts of kindness I will share with others, and the memories I will hold close to my heart. Her children will always know her love and her goodness. They will know her sweetness and her love for them. How she made simple moments treasured memories because to her, life was to be lived out loud and cherished. She would turn a simple evening of cooking into a party with the kids in the kitchen. Each one would have a part in the mixing and the stirring and the pouring. 

Out in the garden, all of then would plant tiny seeds in egg cartons and wait for them to sprout. She would get so excited when they would pop up she'd call giggling about her egg carton plants and the kids would be laughing in the background. 

They'd have a snuggle party on the couch and watch movies or read books. Out would come the blankies and on would go the jammies! Popcorn and juice and maybe some cookies. Who knew what you might find at the Dodson house on a Saturday evening!

These are the kind of memories that will keep Shanny forever alive in my heart and close to the kids and Jas. Jason and Shannon captured most every day occurrences in pictures and video. It's true. He might see her in the kitchen and snap a picture or brushing her hair or putting on lip gloss (cherry was her favorite.)

The realizing I cannot control what other people do, only what I do hit home. But I chose Joy! Shannon always thought Love was the answer to most everything. Not anger, not bitterness, not hatred-LOVE and Celebrating LIFE! So, my choice is to honor her memory and work towards that goal.

I may not get there today, maybe not tomorrow. But I will get there. I will hold onto the sweetness of her memory and let go of the pain of not having her here with me. Because I know she is here, just safely tucked inside my heart. Blessings and Joy!

So, This is Faith!

Have you ever wondered what Faith looked like? I can honestly tell you-I have. I can sometimes describe it. I can put a feeling to it some days, but I don't know if I could tell you what it looks like. The best I can do is share some instances when my Faith has pulled me through, maybe that will help put a face to it.

Some days I wake up saddened by waking up. Does that make sense? Dreaming can be a beautiful thing. But it is not our reality at this time. In order for me to breathe deeply and forge on through life, my Faith must take the lead and guide me through the darkness and the murky waters. My trust in God is my helping hand and my light in the darkest of hours, that eases my fear and calms my nerves. That is Faith.

If I am facing a difficult test of some sort, whether it be at work, or a health issue; it doesn't matter what part of my life it touches, I reach out to God and pray for peace and direction and know that it will be there without question. Whatever answer I receive is the answer that is meant for me, that is Faith.

When my girls are challenged within their family life or daily struggle, I ask God to give me strength not to interfere and to guide them in the direction of His will, and I know it will be done-that is Faith.

Emotions are running high, feelings are directing my actions and I am lost in the world of being a mother. But am I relying on my self or my Faith? I am acting on my emotions and that means I am relying on my self rather than reaching out to God for truth. In order to find real answers we must strip away all feeling and only see reality. Sometimes, that is so difficult-I find it almost impossible. When I can hand it to God, that is Faith.

I close my eyes and take a step forward. Total darkness surrounds me but I am assured of the light, my heart moves me closer to God, that is Faith.

Fearing an outcome of a situation, I turn to God in a frenzy. I beg for relief and answers. Then, I realize-I don't need to know the-why of a situation, I only need to know that God IS the answer to whatever is causing me fear and anxiety. That is Faith.

Knowing you already have the answer within-that is Faith.

Deciding you can launch a whole new career because God is nudging you to do that, is Faith.

Feeling sure of an outcome, when the question hasn't even been asked-is Faith.

Being so certain of your one truth, that you do not lose sleep at night-is Faith.

Coming to a crossroads and not speculating on a direction, but knowing instinctively which way to go and following that lead-is Faith.

Having a calmness deep within your soul and knowing a peacefulness that surpasses any high that any drug can produce-that is Faith.

Knowing God's love in all situations, good and bad, happy and sad, joyful and devastating and clinging on to His Word as your Hope for a brighter day to come-that is Faith.

Waking up to a promise instead of a dream, that is real Faith.

Blessings!

Two Short Weeks

August 27, 2013. My Shanny would be 37 years young. Her birthday will be celebrated Heaven-side. I don't know that I feel any less sad this year, than I did last year. I have had another year to 'adjust' as people say. Somehow, that doesn't include feeling less pain.

The family has celebrated each year in the past. The first year we had a big celebration in her honor, she was to turn 35, and there was already party plans in the works. We did not disappoint! People gathered and there was music and a lot of pictures being taken that day. There was a video of Shanny playing, and we had bracelets made for her. She was a Recycler, big time!

Last year we celebrated with white feathers and balloons and sweets. We each wrote a special message on a balloon and released them to her as the party drew to a close. I know she was there with us, I could feel her presence and see her smile.

This year, I don't know if I am up to a party. I miss her terribly and want to hear her laughter again. If only Heaven allowed us to visit our loved ones-even if it was just to gather her in my arms and hold her close. I'd love the chance to wish her a Happy Birthday in person. I seem strong to many people who know me. My faith is what gets me through, but there is nothing strong about me some days. I can hardly breathe, I miss her so much. My heart beats but it isn't singing today.

In two short weeks, this day will pass and I will get through it. Prayer and faith keep me close to God especially when I am sad and weak for missing her. He gently heals my heart and plays a soft tune of love and remembrance. I can close my eyes and hear the music of her spirit. She knows my love, and God brings hers to me through sweet memories and the promise that one day, I will see her and hold her and sing my song to her.

Until then, I try to take one day at a time. Always, prayerful and honest with God. He knows my sadness and my joy. He does not expect more of me than I expect of myself, He just gives me safe harbor when the storm rages. He gently soothes me and reminds me that Heaven is awaiting and He will come for me when the time is right. I need only trust in Him to find the comfort that only He can offer.

As the day draws near, I remember birthdays past. From little on, I knew Shanny loved a good party. I imagine Heaven can put one together that I can't even imagine. I hope there are flowers and cake and balloons, and maybe a rainbow just for her that day!

For now, I will pray for peace and strength-and a rainbow, just for her. Blessings!

I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves. If I can help you in any way, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Many (((hugs))),
Rose