Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Feb.14th Will Never Be the Same

For many this day represents hearts and candy and cards and cupid. Don't get me wrong, it did for me too, until last year. Then, after I had all the grand kids Valentines set aside, all the stuffed animals tagged, and all the cards addressed..this day took on a whole new meaning for me.

I buried my daughter on this day. Time doesn't stop for any of us, I know that..and no one would have thought this day we know for love and flowers and candy, would be so different in a  year. The stuffed animals sat on the table, the valentines were never mailed. The candy was never delivered and the grand kids gifts sat unwrapped and undelivered for almost a year before I could move them and pack them away. No, this day will never be the same. I hope and pray for peace and serenity so I can better face it next year. Not for my sake, but the grand kids-they deserve better. Their world should not be overshadowed with sadness and heartbreak. Their world should not be broken and empty-their world should be filled with candy hearts and balloons and valentine boxes and all the things kids have in their world, including a mother, a wife for daddy, a daughter, a sister, an aunt...

My husband, thoughtful as he is..brought home a plant for the yard-a hyacinth bulb, a card and a sweet let's go out to dinner note..that is all I could handle. He gets me, I know he is sensitive to my feelings and would do more, but honestly, I don't want or need more.

I want to be in a better place for the girls and the grand kids. I am just not quite there yet. I am doing the best I can today. Kim and Tina both called to see how I was doing..we all know what we are thinking, we just don't want to say it out loud. We miss you, Shanny. Today and every day. This day really is about love, our love for each other and you.

Jas, posted beautiful pictures on facebook. His strength amazes me. I love and respect him so much. He loved my Shannon in a beautiful way. Their love was rare. They fought for their love, and built the strongest of loves. It was not easy. It is not my story to share. But I will tell you, their love is a true love story.

And so another day has passed-maybe next year will be different-maybe I will be able to deliver candy and stuffed animals to the grand kids again. Maybe, I will recognize the love in my heart wasn't put there to isn't love until we give it away. I did not utter the words all day, because they hurt too much, but I feel safer here...Happy Valentine's Day, Shanny..I love you.