Saturday, August 25, 2012

When Our Love Becomes A Memory

I have been awake a couple of hours now, trying to piece together my feelings. Some are happy and some are rather melancholy. For the most part, I guess I am sad that I cannot express my feelings to my Shanny, but in knowing that, I am happy to know she rests in the arms of her Heavenly Father. Does that make it easier on days when I feel like I am losing her to another place? When my being her mother is only a memory?

As I take a deep breath here, I must think of what this is like for all the people in her life. Because it is the same for all of us who once were alive in her love. For her grieving husband, how does he move from  the love of his life to holding a memory? Who does he share his dreams and the accomplishments of their three beautiful children with? Whose shoulder does he lean on for support at the end of the day? I cannot begin to know his pain, my husband sleeps soundly in the bed next to me.

The babies? Who do they turn to? To kiss their hurts away? To shout and cheer them on with dad at their games and take them to scouts and all those family outings. When once their was a perfect family of five, now are only four. Those children's pain is immeasurable at their ages. They cling to dad so he doesn't go away, too. But they long for the gentleness and maternal blessings that only a mother can provide. I don't know their pain, my mother lived until she was well into her 90's.

Shanny's sisters. They grieve for time lost. They believed they would grow old together. They thought there would be time to make memories and heal old hurts. There was still so much to talk about, sisterly things, that only they would share. Where do they take their pain? Life gets so busy, each with their own family, that they sometimes put each other on hold, thinking they would get back to one another and reclaim their bond.
Tomorrow is not promised, and now they are left with memories of what was and thoughts of what could have been, guilt at what should have been said and moments they feel robbed of. I can't understand their pain, I have the blessing of all my siblings, my oldest sister Joyce being 75 years young!

So, as we look back and claim our love for Shanny, in every relationship, family and friend, we must realize we are all on a journey of healing our very deep loss from this world and our lives. Shanny left a mark on every heart she touched. We cannot judge our depth of grief over someone else. It is normal to feel hurt and anger when we feel Shannon's not being remembered, enough or out loud. But the truth is, we don't know another's heart. We don't have any idea what pain another is going through right now. We can only pray and support them, just as Shanny would want us to do.

Shannon's birthday is Monday, and the family is planning a Heavenly Birthday Bash, complete with white feathers, Angel food cake, whipped cream, and a white balloon release! Some folks might not agree with our celebrating her birthday since she isn't here, but she is here-in spirit. I can't wait for the party, and to make another memory! Yes, this one is different, but it is still precious.

So as our love that we once could give right to Shanny, becomes a memory; we now send our love to heaven on Angel wings! But I believe she gets it, and all the hugs and kisses, too! Not to mention-the balloons!

I will pray for healing peace for all those that knew and loved Shanny, so that they may rest in the knowledge that Shannon is at peace with her Father in Heaven, waiting for us to one day join her; because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!