Monday, August 26, 2013

When People Disappoint

Forgiveness is so difficult. Especially, when you know it is not necessarily deserved or even desired. But, I must remember, my forgiveness is not deserved and the Heavenly Father forgives me my transgressions daily.

Some days, letting go of my anger is so much easier. Perhaps, I am not attached to it. What I mean is, the reasons I got angry really didn't matter to me. In the big scheme of things, the people that served to frustrate me that moment-don't take up much space in my world or my heart. It really only hurts to let go of anger, when I am close to the object of my anger, or the reason I am angry. You had to play a significant role in my life for it to matter and for me to want to hold on to it. So, either I am hurting directly from it, or you hurt someone I love or care about very much.

It takes a lot of prayer for me to let go. Whether I am praying or others are praying for me, I will feel a shift in my capacity to cope and accept what is, so that I don't dwell on what was. That doesn't mean I don't think about it, or sometimes miss aspects of it, or feel sadness about it. It simply means I am moving into a phase of acceptance and God's grace is helping my focus move from desiring what I can no longer have to embracing the moments I can cherish and hold close in my heart.

I always pray that I do not disappoint Him. I also ask for guidance because I cannot move into forgiveness on my own accord when it is buried in anger and pain. I want to because I know it is the correct thing to do, but I want to feel it when I forgive someone, not just say the words. Some days I think God is asking an awful lot of me to forgive someone who created a lot of devastation and pain in my family and doesn't even show remorse or think forgiveness is needed. Then, I think I am supposed to forgive the person in my heart and bear no ill feelings. I have to pray my way through this until I can truly forgive, because I know I am not there today.

There are so many levels of grief. One is buried underneath another and sometimes they are entwined. I want to let go and move on of some levels but not on all levels. I equate moving on with forgetting, and I will never do that. I want to celebrate her life. I want to honor her memory and I want to live this life in a way I know she would smile at-that's what I really want and pray for. Most of all, I pray for God's peace and guidance through life and into the next, so I will see her again, see her smile and embrace her.

I do not hold this life accountable for my sadness. People sometimes disappoint us, sometimes we are the 'disappointers'. This life is a place to learn to love and to forgive, and most of all to celebrate life. Thank you Lord for being the best Mentor,  I could ask for. Your patience and kindness, Your forgiveness and unconditional love have shown me the way.