Forgiveness is so difficult. Especially, when you know it is not necessarily deserved or even desired. But, I must remember, my forgiveness is not deserved and the Heavenly Father forgives me my transgressions daily.
Some days, letting go of my anger is so much easier. Perhaps, I am not attached to it. What I mean is, the reasons I got angry really didn't matter to me. In the big scheme of things, the people that served to frustrate me that moment-don't take up much space in my world or my heart. It really only hurts to let go of anger, when I am close to the object of my anger, or the reason I am angry. You had to play a significant role in my life for it to matter and for me to want to hold on to it. So, either I am hurting directly from it, or you hurt someone I love or care about very much.
It takes a lot of prayer for me to let go. Whether I am praying or others are praying for me, I will feel a shift in my capacity to cope and accept what is, so that I don't dwell on what was. That doesn't mean I don't think about it, or sometimes miss aspects of it, or feel sadness about it. It simply means I am moving into a phase of acceptance and God's grace is helping my focus move from desiring what I can no longer have to embracing the moments I can cherish and hold close in my heart.
I always pray that I do not disappoint Him. I also ask for guidance because I cannot move into forgiveness on my own accord when it is buried in anger and pain. I want to because I know it is the correct thing to do, but I want to feel it when I forgive someone, not just say the words. Some days I think God is asking an awful lot of me to forgive someone who created a lot of devastation and pain in my family and doesn't even show remorse or think forgiveness is needed. Then, I think I am supposed to forgive the person in my heart and bear no ill feelings. I have to pray my way through this until I can truly forgive, because I know I am not there today.
There are so many levels of grief. One is buried underneath another and sometimes they are entwined. I want to let go and move on of some levels but not on all levels. I equate moving on with forgetting, and I will never do that. I want to celebrate her life. I want to honor her memory and I want to live this life in a way I know she would smile at-that's what I really want and pray for. Most of all, I pray for God's peace and guidance through life and into the next, so I will see her again, see her smile and embrace her.
I do not hold this life accountable for my sadness. People sometimes disappoint us, sometimes we are the 'disappointers'. This life is a place to learn to love and to forgive, and most of all to celebrate life. Thank you Lord for being the best Mentor, I could ask for. Your patience and kindness, Your forgiveness and unconditional love have shown me the way.
Blessings!
The power of grief can be overwheming. The power of prayer and faith cannot be surpassed during this time. When people pray for one another-it can be physically felt at times. It is an experience to feel so desperately sad and sickened by a loss that you cannot describe. God enveloped me for a time in numbness, a fog. I moved through each day not remembering or caring if it ended or the next began. Until, one day-I felt the power of prayer and my faith began to soar.
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