Friday, February 10, 2012

365 Days Do Not Make It Hurt Less-But It Does Hurt Less Often...

Now there are times when the memories don't cause me to gasp and clutch something or someone too hard. I can smile when I see her face in a photograph. I can speak her name out loud and not have my stomach tie in knots because I ache to hug her again. I have those days, too. The horrible ones-tears are the only thing I taste that day. I don't answer my phone because I really don't care what you have to say right now, it just doesn't matter. Sleep is either never ending or I can't remember when I last slept longer than 20 minutes in a stretch. Sadness takes my breath away and there is no energy to remember to let the dog out or back in or feed the cat or myself...it's just one of those days. Yes, I still have them. Not 7 in a row, not even once a week sometimes. Now I have respite from the devastating heartache of constant pain. I know God has blessed me. He has touched my heart and warmed my spirit again.
I can wake up and not dread the morning or fear the darkness at night. When the clock shows 8:10 pm, I can take a breath and live through it. When a Thursday comes, I do not close my eyes and force myself to sleep until dusk. This is how 365 days have changed me.
But it is not just the passing of time that has brought about change. I was awakened in the Spirit and my faith has grown. I have questioned God's purpose in taking my daughter. I have ranted and raved and pounded my fist. I have cried until I could not cry any more tears. And I have shut my eyes and tried to sleep through the nightmares.
Then I prayed.
Then I asked God to help me.
Then I thanked God for loving me.
Then I cried and God held me.
Then we prayed.
God, I said-I don't understand.
I know-He said.
I miss my baby, Lord. I am so saddened and lost. I am afraid I might not be strong enough to do this alone.
You are not alone.
I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel confused. I feel sick, Lord. Help me, Please.
You are not alone.
Then I cried and God held me.
Then I prayed.
Then I asked God to help me.
Then I thanked God for loving me.
Then I cried and God held me.
Then we talked.
God, I still don't understand.
I know.
I don't think I have to understand.
I know.
I still miss my baby and love her. I will never forget her. Even if I choose to live again and work and find some joy in life. I will never forget her.
I know.
God, I am on a journey of love-healing love.
I know.
And so it is...365 days and counting.