Thursday, March 22, 2012

God's Love Fills Me Up

I know this may all sound crazy. I am grieving over the loss of my daughter but I am learning how God fills me up with the love of my family.
I could beat myself up about not learning this lesson while Shanny was here. She wanted so much to see me be a real grandma. I wasn't ready then. I was still trying to find me in all of my ignorance. I hadn't reached out to the Lord totally. I hadn't let go, and I hadn't held on. I was on the fence about my faith, my beliefs, my worth and my value to God or anyone else. How could my being a grandma really matter? But to Shanny it did. I couldn't see what she saw..I couldn't see the smile of the child that would warm my heart, or the tear that would break my heart. I couldn't grasp the strength in the hand of the child, or the gentle hug that would give me strength. Shanny knew. She tried to tell me. I wouldn't listen. I was busy, tired, or found an excuse. But Shanny tried. I love her for trying. I hope she loves me for finally learning. I am getting it and loving it!
Shared an evening in the park with 7 out of 8 of my little Blessings, my Angel #2 and My son (in law).
We had such fun! I'm not sure who was more exhausted by the end of the evening-the kids or us! We ran, we rolled, we jumped, we climbed, we flew and we creeped..and then we did it again!
It was Evie's 8th Birthday and she got her ears pierced..big girl. She is a beautiful girl with a spirit to match. She reminds me of her mama. I love the way she is who God has made her to be! She loves hard, plays hard and when she lets you into her heart and shares her little self, she has beautiful thoughts and ideas. She has helped me in my journey. Evie shared with me her secrets on  how to handle some of my anger issues. Good stuff, Evie. She teaches me when I am with her, as do all my grand-Angels, about God's pure love. His ability to heal through time and fill me up with His goodness by opening my heart to my grand children and accepting their gifts of unconditional love.
There is something so special about holding a child's hand and hearing them,two,three..swing me, grandma! It melts my heart every time..
I watched them on the playground with other kids and thought, what a fine job their parents are doing. They all played with other kids, shared nicely, took turns and watched out for each other. My heart was overflowing with love and warmth.
Through my grief and sadness-God provides. He teaches me daily through others, especially the children, for they are pure of heart. His love is endless and His mercy is great!
We celebrated Evie's birthday with cupcakes at her school, a few gifts from family and friends, new pierced ears..but I am the one who received a beautiful gift. Another cherished memory to tuck away.

Thank you, Lord. Your love fills me up and my heart overflows! Today I will be grateful for this hectic chaos. It is grand! I will relish the craziness and the fun! I will remember my youth and linger in the past a moment or two, breathe deeply of the scent of childhood and what memories are there. I will praise You for the goodness of my children and my grand children. They are so precious to me, Lord. Thank you, for your patience with me in realizing my priorities. Thank you for not giving up on me but for providing me with opportunities to grow in the art of being a "good grandma."
Thank you for the blessings you send me each and every day, the form of daily life.
Lord, I pray for the day when I might see You and bow before Your Heavenly throne and thank you
for Your very special love and how You filled me up!