Saturday, March 31, 2012

Missing You

There is no rhyme nor reason, I am just missing you today. Your smile, your sweetness. Your voice.
I cannot begin to explain how or what I was thinking when all of a sudden, you were on my mind and I would not stop thinking of you. I wanted so badly to wrap my arms about you and just hold you. I miss you, daughter. It is at times like this when my faith is sorely tested. I lean on God for strength, for I know there is no answer to my question. Just as there is no reason for what happened on Feb. 10, 2011. I don't have the tightness in my chest any more when I think of that day. I know God has you in His arms. I no longer grapple with your last moments..I gave that to the Lord, too. He comforted you in your last moments. You felt His touch before you felt your life end, I know that to be true. I believe.
As you took your last breath of this life, you took your first breath of eternal life, and that is how God gently escorts us from this world to Heaven. I do wonder what your first sight of Heaven looked like though. Who or what did you see first. Did you first see the face of your loving Christ or did you seek out your Grandmother or Pa first?
I prayed that you were at peace when you left this life; not in pain nor fear. I prayed that Angels were sent to meet you and that no harm nor darkness overcame you. I prayed that your final thoughts of this world were knowing you were loved. I prayed that you would see your children remember you in prayer each night, and your husband speak of you with love and respect. I prayed that you would join us at family gatherings as we praise God for His blessings and you would feel our love among the clouds and stars. I prayed that the Angels would wipe away your tears with their robes of gold and tickle you with their feathery wings. I prayed you would visit me in my dreams and feel my kisses on your cheek. I prayed for your forgiveness for my shortcomings as a mother. I prayed you'd love me still after you saw the heavenly greeters and remembered my last words, I love you.

I cannot hold onto the memories without tears and I cannot let go. I cannot touch your face or feel your sweet embrace, and I cannot forget our last hug and kiss. I wish I had spent more time with you the night before your test. I wish I had spent the night. I wish I had come earlier in the day. I wish I had told you to put it off. I wish I had been a better mom. I wish...
Times like these, I wish I could make it all go away. I wish I could wake up and it would never have ever happened and I wish I could make it all disappear and I wish I was magic and I wish I was God and I wish..
What? What do I wish?

Through this nightmare of grief-God has held my hand and my heart. He has wiped my tears and carried me when I was too weak to walk.He hears me when I am sad. He hears me when I am angry. He listens to my ramblings. He listens to my rants. He rocks me when I go to Him for comfort. He soothes me with sleep if I am tired.  He knows my needs and my true desires. He knows my grief. He, too, suffers with me. For He too gave His Son-for me. What love has He, what unconditional, unending, everlasting, all powerful love. And Jesus? He knew He would suffer and die for my sins. And He honored His Father's will. Who am I to question Him?

Thank you Father for the Gift of Your Son, Jesus. Thank you for the gift of my daughter, Shannon. Thank you for the gift of life everlasting. Thank you for Your love and mercy. Thank you for each new day, a beginning; and the dusk; a time to rest in the knowledge of Your saving grace. And thank You, Father most of all for my gift of faith.