Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Thank You for Sharing

Today was a better day. Better than what? Better than the days when I don't want to get out of bed or can't seem to pull it together. Better than the days when crying seems to be the only response I am capable of that day. Better than wanting to scream for the pain to stop hurting so I can get some much needed sleep.

I had the opportunity to see my son (in law) graduate on Sunday from STLCC. I sat next to his mom and saw in her eyes the pride and joy she had earned as his mother through the years from the days of where he has been to what has brought him to this day. I loved seeing the joy on her face and the unshed tears of childhood memories mixed with the excitement of the day and seeing one of your dreams come true. It really was beautiful.

His mom shared some pretty powerful words with me that day-look back-look up and move forward. That seemed very fitting for a graduate and it could really apply to everyone in any life situation. I
am not ready yet to move forward, I am still visiting my past and constantly looking up. I look up so often, I trip over my own feet! But, they are great words-thank you for sharing!

One of my sisters, shared some moments with me and allowed me to feel what I needed to feel-anger, frustration, sadness, and to know it was okay. God would understand, He loves me and wants me to go to Him, to give it to Him-anger and all. But I need to learn to let myself feel-and not be afraid to share my inner feeling with God, He already knows them, but He wants me to trust Him enough to go to Him.
Really good food for thought-thank you for sharing.

Sometimes, when I read an email my instinct is to fire one right back without thinking it through. I don't always allow myself to digest what the email really says. I don't let myself feel the contents, I just read it. I learned from a really good friend-if it is worth reading, then it is worth taking the time to read it thoroughly for its true meaning, no matter if it is a book, email or a letter..again, really good advice-well worth sharing!

No one said this grieving process had a specific outline. There is no checklist to follow. I have to experience my own grief and own it. As much as I wanted to believe I would not go through anger, I am going to have to travel that road. I don't have to take up residence there, but I have to recognize it, and deal with it or I will never move past the anger. Maybe, I am a little frightened of the intensity at times. I don't want to totally let go or I am afraid of what monster will surface in me. I have always been a "Mama Bear" when it came to my kids, I can't imagine truly confronting this anger head on.
I will continue to pray on it and ask for God's grace and guidance as I navigate through the anger phase. I don't even like the term-anger phase. It seems like I am minimizing the grieving process by compartmentalizing my emotions. I know grief is a process, but truly-it feels like I live here now, so why not get used to it.

Thank you to all my friends who read and share this story and journey with me. Your comments and thoughts mean more to me than you could know. Just the fact that you value me in some way to trust me enough to share your stories and your own journey with me brings my heart such fullness. We really do not have to take this walk alone. Our journey is our own-but we can hold each other up-in
prayer and in sharing moments of encouragement and love. So, while I will continue to take my journey in faith and lean on the power of prayer, thank you for sharing!