Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Grief or Depression?

Since I lost Shanny I have dealt with sadness beyond my own imagination. I could always tell the difference though, between sadness/grief and depression. Lately, I am experiencing difficulty distinguishing between the two emotions.

Some days I can reflect on the past and it will not emotionally hurt me. Lately it seems the sadness can overwhelm me and I will unexpectedly fall apart. In my conversations and emails with a lot of you we share some deep, painful gut-wrenching sadness. I know that is grief-it feels like heart pain and not head pain. Does that make sense to anyone?

At times like this I reach out to others who have shared this same pain-loss of a loved one, a child, spouse or significant other for reassurance that I am not losing my very weary mind. Prayer-my strong daily companion and strength does not seem to calm my senses or ease the distress. That for me, is so totally different than my normal. I am a little concerned, frightened even. I know sadness, I know grief, and I have been depressed before. I really don't want to spiral into depression because it is so destructive. Please say a prayer that I get a handle on this frame of mind quickly.

Stress, sometimes plays a role in depression also. Unwarranted stress-self-evoked stress..imagined scenarios that play over in my mind-they don't have a place there and they aren't real, nonetheless, these pictured events can cause havoc in day to day life. I wonder if it isn't better to just confront the situation head-on and get whatever it is out in the open and deal with it.

I applied for a promotion at work and thought I really had a reasonable chance at getting it. I worked on my resume, studied the questions before the interview, had a good feeling about the interview and felt pretty confident overall. I was devastated when they went outside the department to hire someone for the job. I let it eat at me for days before I finally faced my disappointment and frustration about it. What it boils down to is this. I am a 57 year old woman looking at another 8-10 years in the workforce and I am a little frightened about the future for me..there, I said it out loud.

I do not always think straight. As a matter of fact-some days, I do not want to think at all. I find refuge in my work but I cannot always concentrate as well as I should. That scares me. I miss my Shanny. No matter how grounded I am in my faith, I am human..I feel pain and sometimes the pain is so great-it takes my breath away. I want my daughter here-with me, in this world..I can't help it-selfish as it may be-I am angry some days that God took her from me.

Prayer is a great expression of feeling. I can sob through an Our Father-but mostly I just talk to God-or scream at Him, or beg Him-for peace and understanding..because some days-it all eludes me. I know one thing never changes-His love for me. No matter what-He loves me. In the midst of my screaming and stomping and challenging His decision to take her-He will envelop me in His arms and hold me to Him. He will whisper-"Do what you must do-to get through this, I am here with you-give it to Me." " I will not let you go and I will never let you down."

So, in the middle of grief-can I be depressed? I imagine so. I must admit-I do not like the feeling of not knowing the difference. Grief seems comfortable to me now. Depression-I do not want to go there. Please pray for me as I will continue to pray for all of you.

Because I know the Power of Prayer and Faith as a Mother Grieves..