Sunday, June 10, 2012

Today is a New Day

Prayer refreshes my heart. It opens my mind and soothes my soul. Prayer seems to decompress the icky feelings and push forward the happy feelings. I don't know if any of that makes sense to any of you, but I know it does to me. Basically-God has it in control. When I remember to give it to Him, I can begin to exhale slowly. It doesn't mean I feel better immediately, but it does mean I am giving myself an opportunity to take an empty box and fill it with some of my most painful memories or problems that are troubling me,  I can even take a bit of the grief and gently lay it in the box if I choose to, close it up and hand it to God. He doesn't throw it away without opening the box. He just has a better system for filing than I do. He knows what needs to be kept and what can be discarded because He can be more objective. That is how I look at it and it helps me.

Today, I will take a deep breath and try to enjoy this day. I am putting some emotions "on hold" for now and will pick up where I left off if I choose to another day. Right now, I choose-this beautiful morning God has graced me with, to breathe in the beauty and the sunshine. A cup of coffee, my patio and hammock await!

What I am beginning to understand is that everyday does not have to be totally about Shannon and her passing. I am allowed to enjoy my two daughters and my grandchildren without guilt and anxiety. This life is so very short. I have a wonderfully understanding husband who supports me in my grief but does not like to see me dwell in the sorrow. He often says-Shannon made you laugh and gave you a lot of happy memories, think of those, not just the sadness of her not being here. Sometimes, I get angry and tell him he couldn't possibly understand-he is not a mother. He quietly replies, you are right, I am not-but I miss her, too and I know that pain. I just allow myself to remember how she made me smile and I feel better. Just try it..

And then, we will talk, sometimes for a long while about her..until I am relaxed and can let myself take hold of the present, until another day and I need to visit her memory again. He is (my husband) an extraordinary man who knows me well and loves me in spite of my many flaws. I am so grateful for his presence in my life. He knows how to make me smile even when I want to cry..

I see Shanny in the smiles of her children. I often see her in their actions. I catch myself watching them and all  of a sudden they will do something and I swear it will be something she would have done to the T! It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I imagine that can be very painful for Big Jason at times. It must be bittersweet moments that bring him such closeness only to be reminded she is forever just a memory. My heart hurts for him. But today I am not dwelling on the sadness. I am feeling her smiles and her beating heart. I am feeling her in the warmth of the sun and the burst of color in the flowers. She is all around me in the garden and as the birds sing, I hear her whisper her love. I know she is with me and surrounds me with her joyful spirit. I am thankful because the Lord has opened my heart today and I am letting the sunshine of her love fill me.

Thank you, Father for your mercy and Your guidance when I need it most. On the cloudy nights when I cannot find my way through the fog and on the stormy nights when I cannot hear the angels' gentle song because of the thunder in my mind, when my heart cannot rest and my eyes cannot find sleep..thank you for finding a place of quiet where only You are and all else fades away. Thank you for gently rocking me until I find solace in Your arms and allow myself to dream of a New Day..