Friday, July 27, 2012

Forever 34

I just realized that when I look at your last pictures, you will always be Forever 34...
You didn't even get to celebrate your 35th birthday with us, we celebrated alone.
I don't know what made me think of all this at 1:50 in the morning, but...yes, I do,
I was looking through my photo album and thought, I need some new pictures of you..
When I realized "new" pictures to me, would be earlier pictures of you from Jason..
And the cycle of pain, raw pain begins..

I can't help but feel robbed of your very life and presence. A mother is supposed to have
her children long into her old age, to love and comfort and share stories and memories of days gone by.
So, I am not the only one robbed of your life-Jason and the kids, Kimmy and Tina-we all feel the loss
so very deeply and sadness overwhelms all as we move through this life without you.

Mine is different, I know. I carry the pain of all three of my children. I cannot fix or take away your
sister's pain, and I can't ease Jason's. I helplessly watch J-Bug, Evie and Gus grow up without their
mom and the anger sets in..

Damn the doctors and damn the senselessness of it all! It isn't fair, and it isn't right..I want someone
to pay for destroying my family. I want someone to feel the pain of what one moment in time has
done to the rest of my life. I fight and I struggle every day to move forward in this journey-this walk
of learning a new normal-beginning a new reality-a life without you in it. WHY!?!

While others go happily about their business-and I will go through the motions, but it isn't the same.
I will never feel the same again. I have come to terms with that finally. There is no way to go back
in time and feel the feelings I enjoyed before 8:10 p.m. on Feb.10, 2011 because you were
alive then.

It is amazing how someone can change your life forever with words, isn't it? How the words spoken
by a doctor can allow you to take the next breath that will give you peace or hell for the rest of your
life. Or as long as you choose to live there..

Now, that I have vented somewhat-I already feel better. That is the purpose of this blog. To create
a safe place for me to vent and feel whatever I need to feel in order to move forward and begin
to heal from this tragic loss. I see a therapist and I PRAY daily..

You are welcome to join me here to vent, to pray, to request prayer or to share. Sometimes, reading is enough, but if you feel the desire to write-feel free to use the comment section, I do respond and I will join you in prayer requests. God listens in every language and He heals every heart.

Sometimes, getting stuck like I did when I went in search of new photos takes me to a place I am not
always comfortable with, it's not always a happy place. I guess that is why 'grief' is a journey and not a
party, but we don't have to take the journey alone. As long as we keep moving forward, our journey continues, and the healing goes on..

Even in the midst of anger and frustration, God hears my need for release. His love is forever and always
patient, and I will continue to praise Him...
because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.