Monday, September 10, 2012

Remember to Pray

I am feeling anxious today. There is a lot on my mind and I can't run from it. It is so difficult because Shanny is not here to talk with and much of it concerns her. I must remember to pray. Because if I just sit and think-my thoughts could lead to words or actions that might interfere or hurt someone else, and I do not want that to be an outcome. It is not my place to get involved, just as if she were here, only she isn't.

I have to remember that prayer is most powerful and I believe in God's will, and not my own, so to manipulate a situation in any way, is wrong-even on the pretense of doing it for someone else's well-being.
If it is self-serving, and you somehow feel the benefit of the outcome, you are trying to manipulate the will of God, and that is treading on dangerous water. I know, I have been tempted, I miss Shanny and want what's best to keep her memory alive forever, but I cannot make time stand still. Life moves on and I must accept that those who knew and loved Shanny will always remember and honor her memory.

Every day that passes takes her one day further from this world and one day more spent in heaven. Acceptance of what is-is key. Staying in the reality of my world without Shannon-is necessary. I have to remember to pray, because when I forget, I slip into a place of unacceptance, almost denial. It doesn't matter how long it has been, the mind is powerful and can play tricks on you. There really are days, I forget she is gone. I will answer the phone and expect her to be on the other end, or open an email, thinking it is from her. I want to forget she is gone.

The pain is still gut-wrenching and yet, I know she is at peace. My faith and prayer have taught me that she is at peace and I need to concentrate on those still here, trying to heal. Their pain is much more difficult to get through because it belongs to this world. The sadness can be felt, the tears are real, the ache hurts the heart.
Remember to pray-for strength, and courage to hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Words spill over on this page as if I know how my story will end. In truth, I do not know what will come next. My faith is what leads me, God holds me up, prayer calms me down, and life goes on. I have the opportunity to take part in it, grow from it, stand still and let it pass by, or close my eyes and pretend it is isn't happening, but that won't make it stop. Eventually, I will open my eyes, and what will be before me largely depends on how I left it before I closed my eyes. Was I in prayer or denial? Was I doing something for someone else or was I wallowing in self-pity? Was I reaching out beyond myself, or was I shaking a fist at God in anger? No matter, my God loves me in all situations because He understands my pain.

I just want to remember to pray-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.