Sunday, October 28, 2012

I'm Back

It's has been a bit since I have written anything. Truth is, I have been ill. My body has been weak but so has my spirit. Seems like every time I would sit down to write, exhaustion would take over and leave me empty. Empty of words, energy, and feelings.

I have been praying for direction because I would go to work and come home and fall into bed. I had all to do to get through the day on my job and get home before I would crumble. Part of me wonders how much of this was spiritual, emotional pain and not just physical pain.

The power of prayer is amazing though. God hears every prayer we send to Him and answers it. I had to face some physical changes in my body as well as some emotional pain, to get to the spiritual outcome. I told you He was amazing.

Struggling is inevitable in this life. We all face struggles. It's how we handle them that matters. Who we rely on for comfort during out struggle, who guides us through our struggle, and how we come out of our struggles that define us. As long as I come out knowing God loves me and I love Him, and I am blessed to know His love, I consider myself on the right path.

I continue to take the meds the doctor prescribed knowing the pain will subside in my body, but the cure for my spirit isn't in a pill or can't be seen in blood work, at least not mine. I have to take time to recognize the source of healing, my One True Source of spiritual healing is only a prayer away. He alone quiets my storm and nourishes my body. He breathes strength into my weakened heart, and soothes my brokenness.

And then, when I gather some strength, He encourages me to listen to the stories of others in pain. To share in their grief for a while and pray for their needs to be met. To forget my weakness, my sadness, and my illness and smile at what the world offers me in all its glory. There is much beauty in our world. The colors of Fall are breathtaking. The breezes can be purifying and the sun is golden.

The smile of a Veteran at lunch who whispers a kind word, warms my heart, and his shaking weathered hand
reminds me of the sacrifices he has made for me and my country. And yet, he has given me a warm and genuine smile.

The words of a doctor I am working with encourage me with praise of a job well done and appreciated by him and his staff. I think to myself, I didn't realize what I did really mattered, now I know it does. And for the rest of the day, there is a lightness in my step and voice and a readiness to help.

And always, I am thinking, so this is what it is like to live life again. I can take in a moment and really feel its worth. Relish it, enjoy it, live in it and not feel immobilized by pain and emptiness and loss. I can see Shannon , my Sweet Shanny in a picture some days, and sigh, I miss her so much. But I don't always break down and cry now. I can remember some times without hurting. Sometimes, that scares me. I'm not sure what that means. I'd like to think that means I am healing, but I am never sure. That is why I rely on God. He knows, and that has to be enough for me.

And so, I will continue to pray because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.