Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I've Missed You

Why is it so hard to say that sometimes? Because people expect that by now I don't feel it? It's been almost
two years, the pictures should come down, the letters should be put up, and the tears should stop. Is that what people think? There is a time clock for grief, right!

After the first year I thought it would magically stop hurting. I was wrong. Really wrong. It actually sometimes hurts more. I think, in part, because I am more present this year. The first year, I was really, blessedly in a fog-where the pain sometimes did not fully reach me. I was acting on instinct, on memory, on faith-call it whatever you want, but it wasn't totally real. This year, is all real.

This year, I feel the bitter and the sweet. I can recall a memory and smile and cry at the same time. Is that progress? I still want to dial her phone and hear her voice. I still want to hear her laughter, and see her do the running man. I want to hug her and I miss her hair and I miss her silly jokes and I miss her scolding me and I want her to call me and,mom, more time.

There are still tears at unexpected times. There are still unanswered questions. There is still anger that I can not pray away. I am trying, but it is hard to let go of it because I want someone else to hurt as much as I do. I am human and I hurt. I miss my daughter. I've held this in for so long, it feels good to get it out. So, there you have it. I am a fraud. I preach prayer and faith-and I am angry and hurting. I would apologize, but I am not sorry right now. I might be tomorrow, but right now, I am hurting and I hope you understand, I am in pain.

So, please pray with me and for me. Today, I am weak.

 I want to pray, I really do, because I've missed you, Father, Friend and Savior. Forgive me for my absence and my lack of faith lately. I will set aside this sadness and look to You for healing, because I know the real power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.