Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Just So You Know, I Love You!

I said a prayer for you today-just so you know, I love you.
While the warm breeze blew across my face, I thought of you, just so you know, I love you.
When the sun was shining so brightly I was seeing sparkles from the sunlight-I felt your presence-
And when the leaves blew in a whirlwind and made music in the street-I thought of you and how you danced.
When I cried at the Christmas movie, even though I'd seen it a hundred times-I thought of you, and wished for you to be here when I opened my eyes, but it was just a movie, and you weren't here when I opened them-even though I tried to open them ever so slowly.
I listened to Carols on the radio and remembered your singing-I smiled, actually-I giggled, you sang funny, but your heart was always in it! I thought about getting out the decorations and the tree, I just couldn't do it,
not yet.
I thought about how you would be hustling and bustling and making me crazy looking for this toy or that sweater or the perfect pair of slippers. How I wish you would be driving  me crazy right now. I would gladly run to every store and listen to all your silly songs and laugh and cry and be happy and joyful because that's what families do this time of year.
I am trying, Shanny. Every day I pray for everyone to recognize their blessings are right before them. Their loved ones, their family, their friends-I am so very blessed, I know that, but just so you know, I love you.
Just because I can't hold you or hug you close doesn't mean I can't send my love to you. I believe in Christmas and all the Miracles of the Season. This year, I just want you to know how much I love you-forever and always.
It seems funny to me, one day I am on top of the world, right? And the very next, sadness overwhelms me. Grief stinks. It doesn't make any sense at all. The only important thing is that I grow from this, that I learn to love more, and just so you know-I love you.
God does have a way of teaching me important lessons on this journey. He has brought me through this
with tears and smiles-sometimes both in the same day! What I mean is, God has a way of healing my heartache with the love of my girls, Kim and Tina, and my grand angels, and friends. He allows me the opportunity to count blessings and to share my feelings. I am never alone, He is with me, I just have to trust in the moment and give it to Him when it is too much for me.
Shannon, as the holidays quickly approach and the parties are written on the calendar, there is not one day, not one hour of a day-that I don't look at your picture or remember you, just so you know-I love you!
And, I will continue to pray-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!