Sometimes, I can't help but wonder about God's plan when it comes to children. How could anything matter more than a mother's love? How could He deny you the time with your children? How does He make up for Eva's concert if you could not be there tonight?
I know His love is immeasurable. But, nothing would matter more to me than to hear my baby sing. So, do you hear her beautiful voice? In all of God's power, I wish for you to hear her sweetness as I heard it tonight. Her pure, natural God-given voice. All of the children sang for the love of their family and their teacher. It was apparent. And it was a treat!
Sometimes, simple things bring great pleasure. You are teaching me, Shanny to enjoy the moments. To savor the special times that each grand child hands me. Thank you for not giving up on me, for hounding me and for making me see beyond my selfish nose. There is so much more to being a grandma than I ever thought there would be. I am learning, sweetheart. I am just sorry it has taken me so very long to learn. Holding unto my youth was such a foolish thing to do, when I had so much more to gain from being "Grandma."
When your babies cry, how do you comfort them? How does God explain that to them? I took your mom away, because...why?
I keep praying for direction and strength, Shanny. I want to be a good grandma that teaches my grandchildren values and love and faith in God. Some days I am tested, days when my eyes are filled with tears of sadness mingled with anger and unanswered questions. On those days, I ask for forgiveness and strength, because I don't want to doubt, but when I am hurting because I miss you, I can't really feel my faith. I know it's there, but some days it is difficult to feel it, to live it.
Then, I must listen more closely for God's reassuring words of love. I have to delve into the word for comfort and hope for a better tomorrow. I will admit I talk to God openly-one on one. Not so much praying as talking, confiding and asking. After all, He is my Father, my Best Friend, my Comforter, My Healer-all rolled into one. And, a great Listener, I might add. The Holy Spirit brings great comfort and peace when I become quiet and listen.
I will keep singing His praises, and on the days I am not feeling it, I'll sing anyway-because I have faith in a God who is greater and sweeter than any music I hear for He created the melody and wrote the words. And of course, I will continue to pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.