Wednesday, February 6, 2013

It Sneaks Up On You

Has it really been almost two years? Because it feels like just months, some days..the pain is so raw.
Yes, there are days just like that. Some days. Memories are so vivid, I can almost pretend it isn't real. Almost.

On a good day, I am in an accepting place, and I know you are in Heaven, the kids seem to be adjusting, and I can smile when I recall a fond memory. That's how I am supposed to tell the story, right? The truth is, we all write our own hope journey. Our life after someones death. Where we started, how we got to where we have been, the people along the way, and where we are today.

It's different in black and white than it is in real life. It can be very matter of fact in words. There is no emotion-just words on paper. In real life, there are feelings and breaths and tears and moments. If you are reading this, I am sure you get it, those things matter, they bring depth to your journey. They give it meaning.Those breaths and tears and moments are the lessons along the way. They give us reason to pause, and to hope-for more.

If you are in a relationship with God, talk. If you aren't-start one. Find your voice. I remember the day I took His hand; it was the day my journey began..the day I found my voice. God had been listening the whole time.

Sometimes, as the days turn to night and into day again, my life gets in the way of remembering. I feel guilty because I am living. That isn't what it's about, but it took me a while to learn that lesson. It's okay to find joy and to laugh out loud. As long as I share the joy and the laughter, and look for the hope-I am healing. And when I can share the hope with someone who is struggling with loss, it helps both of us heal. Our journey is not to be traveled silently and darkly, but quietly and seeking light.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time frame. There is no limit on tears and there is no question you may not ask. There is no feeling you cannot feel, no emotion you may not experience and no person who will take the same journey. No loss is the same, no suffering greater than or less than-no pain that hurts more..

And there are days that will start out with a smile and suddenly you will dissolve into tears and not know why. The very next day, you may wake up with one eye open and the other tightly closed against the possibility of another day of heartbreak, and you will notice the sun shining and the birds singing. All will be right with the world, enjoy it, because it may not last too long.

Life is strange that way-it sneaks up on us. Making us vulnerable and emotional, a ball of feelings with none making a lot of sense most of the time. Giddy with the stress of a lack of sleep, you find yourself laughing for no apparent reason, then screeching at the dog or cat to get off the couch..then you go into a tailspin over a commercial and you burst into tears-just because. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your feelings are finding a way out, appropriate or not, they will find a way out.

I really try to focus on good memories. Positive, loving thoughts that make me smile. Pictures that I loved when Shanny was young, and seeing her with Jas and the kids. I loved to see her smile. Shannon had a vibrant, beautiful smile that could bring joy to your heart. Sometimes, it's enough-sometimes, I need to pray.
Some days, I like being alone with my thoughts. I know the difference now between isolating and being alone. Comforting myself and taking caring of myself with quiet alone time, in thought and prayer is just what I need some days. Other days, I find the need to reach out and volunteer my time elsewhere, helping someone else..

Whatever you do, when it sneaks up on you-grab it-embrace it-for what it is. And always remember to pray-because we know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!