Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Good Morning, Angel

Some days that greeting comes at 2:00 a.m. Others, a more respectable 5:00 or so. Depending on my sleep and my dreams, I suppose. The only thing that never changes is the prayer-for you to be resting with the other angels in the downy softness of each others' wings, basked by the light of our shared moon and twinkling stars.

When I open my eyes, I always try to smile. Believe me, some days it's difficult, some-damn near, impossible. But-I always try because if I stop trying all my feelings come at once and I cannot manage them, contain them, deal with them-or frankly, feel them. There are too many and they can be overwhelming. So, I devised a new plan. It works for the most part, for me. Every one of us has to develop our own plan. We all have to take this journey at our own pace, in our own time, on our own path. Even if it means carving out our own path sometimes, that's what we must do, to heal, never to overcome or recover or forget-those are not options. People who use those phrases just don't get it. It's okay. I learned a while ago, some people mean well, they just don't understand the intensity and the level or depth of our pain. Thank God, right?

Follow your heart, always. First, I pray for direction or I would end up going in circles a good deal of the time. Then, I sit back and go where my heart leads me. Some days, it takes me back to when Shanny was a baby. Other days, I might remember our last moments together. Some days, I realize-I haven't drifted too far from the present in a few days, and that is alright. It used to make me feel guilty. If I could let myself enjoy a day without pain; I felt as if I was dishonoring Shanny's memory. As if I had no right to feel happy for even a moment without following it with some brow beating or harsh words for myself. It took a good long time for me to come to terms with feeling good again, okay to be alive and grateful for my blessings.

What I realized after that was a whole new chapter in life awaited me. There was so much more good to be done with the positive feelings. Negativity leads to darkness and silence. It might be okay for a short time to experience the quiet side of sadness, but it is never good to go silent, to close yourself totally off from the world. God is just a thought, a breath, a need away. He listens for us to call on Him. He will not intrude, but He does take our hand when we offer the slightest hope to Him that we are open and reaching out. I know, because as soon as the thought formed in my mind, God scooped me up and soothed me. He wiped my tears and assured me Shannon was alright. He gifted me with the Holy Spirit, and I have never felt alone since that day.

That is why I am able to wake up today with a smile and a hopeful heart. The world looks like a peaceful place and heaven not so distant a dream. When morning breaks, and the sun rises, my heart still beats and I can greet the day with-Good Morning, Angel!

And of course, I remember to pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.