Blogging reaches some, the support group is slow going. There are just so many hurting moms. I did not realize how many of us there were until I joined the living again and began to speak of my loss and how it effected not only myself, but my family and those around me. Death is far reaching, Lord. It reminds me how often I take my life for granted, and my children. I need to remember to touch them, and hug them-even when I am tired. Even when I get aggravated or fuming mad about something that happens because my love far outweighs any nonsense that could come between us.
No job or hobby or anything is more important than telling those we love how much we love them. I say this now, because I had the chance to say it so often with Shannon and didn't. Sure, I spoke on the phone with her, and I was with her at the hospital, but I would have done so much more, had I only known, I would never have the opportunity to say or do what a mother does again, at least not with her.
I speak from a place of guilt some days, and I act from a place of guilt, I am sure of it. When I hug Kimmy just a little longer, or tell Tina for the 10th time in a day that I love her, I am probably overcompensating for what I did not do with Shanny. That saddens me. Shanny wanted more, she pressed me for more time and more of my energy, but I wasn't always in a giving place. I was more selfish then. I told myself I was taking care of myself, I had earned it. Little did I know, my time with her was going to be cut short, it was very precious. Now, I try to make every day count. My time matters. I want my children, grandchildren, my family and friends-to know my love. I am not ashamed to speak it, live it or ask for it! Thank you, Lord for Your many blessings, including Your Heavenly Angels that are guiding me on this journey.
So, Lord-that's the answer? Simple as that? Prayer!