Sunday, March 24, 2013

What's Next, Lord?

Every day is one day closer to the end. I know that, and yet there is still so much  left undone. What's next, Lord? Lead me, guide me, show me the way..point me in the right direction of Your path. There are days when I know I go off course. Those days when tears find my cheeks and sleep avoids me. But, I will not lose faith.

My intentions are not enough, Lord. I know that, but I get lost in the daily chores of living, and can't remember how to live. I get so busy trying and autopilot doesn't kick in, I put my plans on hold to get through another day. Before you know it, another week has passed, and I haven't budged on my plan to enhance the world around me. What's next, Lord?

I write down my plans, my to-do list grows each day. I check off the ones I get done. I like seeing the lines drawn through the completed tasks, but soon there are new chores on my list I didn't expect, and before you know it, I am lost in a sea of sticky notes..drowning in rainbow colored tasks with no direction, what's next?

I really want to help the grieving, Lord. I know their pain. The lady at church who lost her baby. She needs to know I understand. And the grandma who lost her grandson in a car accident, and the mom whose daughter overdosed...the list goes on, Lord. What's next?

Blogging reaches some, the support group is slow going. There are just so many hurting moms. I did not realize how many of us there were until I joined the living again and began to speak of my loss and how it effected not only myself, but my family and those around me. Death is far reaching, Lord. It reminds me how often I take my life for granted, and my children. I need to remember to touch them, and hug them-even when I am tired. Even when I get aggravated or fuming mad about something that happens because my love far outweighs any nonsense that could come between us.

No job or hobby or anything is more important than telling those we love how much we love them. I say this now, because I had the chance to say it so often with Shannon and didn't. Sure, I spoke on the phone with her, and I was with her at the hospital, but I would have done so much more, had I only known, I would never have the opportunity to say or do what a mother does again, at least not with her.

I speak from a place of guilt some days, and I act from a place of guilt, I am sure of it. When I hug Kimmy  just a little longer, or tell Tina for the 10th time in a day that I love her, I am probably overcompensating for what I did not do with Shanny. That saddens me. Shanny wanted more, she pressed me for more time and more of my energy, but I wasn't always in a giving place. I was more selfish then. I told myself I was taking care of myself, I had earned it. Little did I know, my time with her was going to be cut short, it was very precious. Now, I try to make every day count. My time matters. I want my children, grandchildren, my family and friends-to know my love. I am not ashamed to speak it, live it or ask for it! Thank you, Lord for Your many blessings, including Your Heavenly Angels that are guiding me on this journey.

So, Lord-that's the answer? Simple as that? Prayer!

So, when I get too busy to live, it's okay to stop and pray, right? No matter what or when, just take a deep breath and pray. I can do that, Lord. 

How can I reach those in pain, Lord. The ones grieving like me. I want them to know they are not alone. I understand their pain.  They may not have the strength to pray today, Lord. But I do, I will pray for them. Because no matter how busy I get, or how sad, or how much I miss Shanny..

I will always pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!