Thursday, April 18, 2013

April Showers

April Showers are here! The rain is falling and the grass is turning green. It is a little gloomy some days. Dreary, almost grey outside and chilly. I have to dress in layers, because I never know from morning until late afternoon if I will be hot or cold..

Life in the midst of grief is much the same. Sure, there are days when I get up and feel okay in the morning. I get dressed and head off to work. My head is clear and I am focused and productive. Life is back on track. But by 2:00 or so I am feeling a tug at my heart and it isn't last night's late night pizza. It is sadness. Pure and simple, heartache. I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. The memories are beginning to flood in so fast I cannot control them and I almost panic.

For some people, this may not happen. For me, two plus years in my journey and it happens on a regular basis. How do I get through it? Prayer. I stop, take a deep breath, silently pray for peace and He gently soothes my heart right at that moment. Truth: All you have to do is ask for Him to heal, help, hold...and He is there for you..

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring.. a child's nursery rhyme.. I remember it clearly, and yet I cannot quote a bible verse word for word. Why? I ask myself that question a lot. Surely, I know which is more important, but I cannot call it up to memory.

Today, I am thinking out loud on paper about how this rainy weather has messed with me emotionally and physically. Physically, it makes my bones ache. My joints get sore and I want to veg out on the couch because I am stiff from sitting at my desk at work. My energy level drops and I get sad and depressed. As far as emotionally, I think it really effects me and the darker it  is outside, the darker I feel inside. I get antsy and anxious. Almost, frustrated and angry to a certain degree. I lose my patience quicker and snap at people more frequently when the weather is nasty.

Let's hope the next part of that rhyme holds true-April showers bring May flowers. I am counting on sunshine and flowers and blossoming trees and greenery and fresh mowed lawns and the hammock going up and coffee on the porch. Hopefully, that will improve my mood. Maybe, my sadness will lighten up and I will cheer up a little.

I know I am blessed in so many ways. I don't like being a whiner; that's why this is bothering me so much. It's like a thick fog settling on me and weighing me down. It makes grieving a lot harder than usual. Now, it sneaks up on me and I am not prepared for it at all. Out of nowhere I will feel overwhelmingly sad and miss Shannon and not know or remember how to deep breathe or concentrate on memory flow, or even pray my way through it. I know there are days like this for everyone, but I thought I was on a different path now.

I am being called to remember for a reason, and that's okay. Maybe, I am meant to help someone with their walk and I need to slow down a bit to gain a better understanding again. Sometimes, I plow ahead and don't think things through. I don't know, but I do know this-God has the answers. And He controls the ebb and flow in my life, so I will give it to Him again.

I will try to be patient waiting for the sunshine, embrace the rain, dance in it a little, splash in it, and re-freshen my spirit! And, I will pray-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.