I was young and made some immature choices as a mother. I loved my children the best I could and the best I knew how at the time. I never once woke up with the intention of hurting them or being selfish or stumbling through motherhood or parenting and making mistakes. Sometimes, stuff happens. It has taken me many years of therapy and age to be able to say those words out loud and on paper. I was guilt ridden for years about my parenting skills. I know this much-I love fiercely, right or wrong-it's what I do.
There are memories I have I wouldn't trade for a million dollars, because no one can take them from me. As bad as my day gets, or as sadness overwhelms me some days-these memories give me joy and peace and hope. Prayer does the rest.
I have dreamed of Shanny and seen her bathed in light. It isn't normal light though, it is little bright twinkling lights-they make me smile. I guess I should preface this with, I have the mind of a child when it comes to simple pleasures. I like colorful flowers, birds, and puppies and coloring books. I love a good rainbow and jumping in a puddle after the rain and marching in my own parade. I still play hide and seek and build tents with the grand Angels and put on "talent shows" and when I read a story book, I change my voice for the characters, and I like the end piece of a birthday cake-because it has more icing.
I am a true believer in the good of people, and the hereafter. I know heaven is real and my daughter has communicated with me since she has passed. She is at peace and watches over her family. She has visited me in the form of a hummingbird, she has confirmed receipt of balloons we sent to her, she has studied with my daughter for her nursing tests, and cuddles with her babies on their couch. She is very present in our world, if we look for her.
I have communicated with her and I know it is her responding the same way you would know if your child is on the other end of a phone call. It is the mother gene that tells us when our communication is real or when we are pacifying ourselves. You know the voice, the inflection and the tone. If you really want to know the truth-you will find it.
Some days, I call upon a dear friend who is also a Reiki Master and a Certified Medium. More than either of those titles convey, she is loving and caring and my daughter led me to her. When I was searching for a Medium I had no idea what I was looking for and had been on several web pages, sent countless emails and received lots of false hopes. Then, I received a short email and made a phone call that changed my life, as I know it. Michelle is extraordinary and very calming. I love when she guest writes because she shares her knowledge beautifully and freely with those that want to learn and understand and grow.
When people are open to their loved ones visits, they will often receive signs from above of their presence-music, scents, an appearance of a photograph, something that reminds you of your loved one, that you might notice in a place where you hadn't left it. I believe when we are distraught or deeply grieving divine timing brings us together in a way that is most comforting to us-in a dream or vision or sign.
The Angels have visited me in my dreams and I have wakened to a feeling of peacefulness and the joy of knowing Shannon is in Heaven. Some nights I am anxious, I miss her and want to hug her or kiss her. She might have been 34 years old, but she is forever my baby! On those nights I will pray for a quiet spirit and rest. I try always to let my faith lead me through every dark night, through every heart ache, and into the light that each day offers.
For some, this subject may be uncomfortable-for me, this is my truth. I love God above all else and He has blessed me with the gift of faith, and for that I am so very grateful. And I will continue to pray-because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.
For more information or to contact Michelle, please visit her Facebook page-Soul Healing and Spirit Connection. She will also be guest writing on this blog again soon, so keep checking back. Blessings! www.facebook.com/SoulHealingAndSpiritConnection