I remember as a kid playing that game with friends. I would usually burst into giggle and lose the game, but I remember a couple of times getting fuzzy and seeing white specks because I didn't want to give up. I hadn't learn to take a slow deep breath, I just sucked all the air I could get in and gulped for more.
Feeling grief on a daily basis is like that. In the beginning I was numb and couldn't feel the pain, I was in so much pain I didn't realize the feeling of pure and utter devastation and helplessness. I was grateful God had blanketed me in a fog of protection. Later, I learned when the fog had cleared, the presence of the day was not always welcoming and friendly. It could often sweep over me and take my breath away, remembering my last day with Shanny. For weeks I would replay that day and try to awaken to a different outcome. Maybe, she was on a long trip or vacation. Maybe, she is very ill, but we can get her back to health and she will be home from the hospital soon. But every day, took the next and nothing changed.
And then one day, I lay awake and began to breathe slowly. I focused my energy on my breathing and tried to take slow. deep breaths and feeling less anxious and fearful of the dawn that was sure to come.
Some would say I had gone off the deep end, or totally lost it. For a while, I had. But I was back now, and just beginning a journey of grief and learning how to cope without my daughter of 34 years. First things first, I had to learn how to breathe in and exhale slowly.
As always, I would continue to pray-because I was assured of the power of prayer and faith as I began my journey.