Friday, June 7, 2013

Get Creative

With your words, with your thoughts, with your actions. Let your feelings flow through your body and out. Whether you write them down. Paint, draw or capture them in a song-it doesn't matter, but let them out. You are entitled to feel whatever you are feeling. Remember that. No one can tell you how to feel or how you should feel. Only you can experience your grief and only you can express it. 

What I found to be helpful was getting comfortable with my emotions. I had to get to know me when I was sad, angry, lonely, hurting, and a multitude of feelings I was sure I had never felt before and no one else was feeling. What I didn't realize, is a lot of people feel the same way, we just don't talk about it. It hurts too much.

When I was sad, I wrote and I cried a lot. I prayed and I cried. I talked and I cried. And I cried some more, until I couldn't cry any more and then when I thought I couldn't cry any more, I prayed for peace. Sometimes, we have to be empty in order to be filled up. The Spirit knows when we are ready and will not intrude on our private journey.

I had never felt such pain. The physical pain I felt giving birth could not compare to the devastating pain I felt when I heard the words that my daughter had died. It literally took the breath out of me. I screamed for what seemed like an eternity. I have never felt such horrendous , hideous, shocking pain. It was gut wrenching. I wanted to run and hide and die all at the same time. And yet, I had two more perfectly healthy daughters who needed me. I was literally being torn between two worlds. It was a mother's worst nightmare.

It took weeks to get from fog to numbness, and months to get from numbness to recognition. From recognition to grasping and working through the grief has been a two and a half year process. I am now beginning to feel, really allow myself to feel joy again. Only through the power of prayer and faith have I come this far. Only through the power of prayer and faith will I continue to heal.

Then I got creative with expressing my anger-throwing dishes at a wall. But not just any dishes. These were dishes I had purchased from the thrift store with every intention of breaking. But before I broke them, I wrote on them. I wrote the name of someone I was angry with and I wrote the reason I was angry, and I wrote it over and over, until I felt better-and then I threw the plates at a wall, away from anyone and anything I could harm. It felt great! 

I managed to do some positive things as well, like making a memory box with my grand kids and creating a keepsake pillow. I had to find my way through the rough spots to get to the warm fuzzy places. I will admit, it took me awhile to work through the anger and the hurt. The pain still rears its ugly head from time to time. But I can bring it into control far better now than in the past. I attribute that to my faith and lots of prayer.

My husband drove past a really cool lawn ornament tonight made out of completely recycled household objects and it was the coolest Hummingbird. From a skateboard to part of a ball glove and horseshoe, this was so creatively put together; Shannon would absolutely love it! It gave me an idea for a project. I just thought I would share that because that is part of the joy I am finding now. In the moment, I can smile and feel Shannon in the midst of it all! 

Expressing your feelings, getting them out-that's key. Sharing when YOU feel like sharing, that is also really important. We all need to tell our story and talk about it when we are ready. We need people to know our children like we knew them-we need to know they are remembered. We need to know they are in Heaven-they are. They are with God. Do you believe? I do-and I will always honor my faith. We are entitled to our beliefs-these are mine.

Feel the joy and the healing through the power of prayer and faith. It doesn't matter what faith-God knows your heart, He knows your pain. He heals all who believe and wants no one to suffer. Just get creative and let the healing begin!

I will keep on praying because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother heals! Please share this blog, become a 'follower' to get notified of new posts to read, and always feel welcome to leave a comment or request.