Monday, September 9, 2013

Letter to Heaven

Dear Loved One,

This might sound crazy to you, but no matter how many times I hear the words-they are in a better place, I still miss you. So, let's just get that straight. I am, personally never going to forget the way you smile, or laugh or smell. The simple way you walk across the room or the way, you lit up a room when you walked into it.

I know, you fulfilled your purpose here on earth, and I still need to find mine. I get all that, I am trying. Please, I am doing the very best I can, every day. This isn't a marathon or a race, and I am not trying to grieve in the fastest time allowed and break a new record. If I want to dance along the way, please allow me the dance floor to do it. I will bring my own music.

If I sound angry or frustrated, I apologize. Truth is, some days I cannot name all the emotions I run through in a day. Some bring my heart peace, others more pain and still others, I cannot put a definition on but I want to believe they are all a part in this healing process. I am not comfortable calling it a process, it seems like a lifetime ago, when my life was just a life, now it has become a process and a search for new paths and normal..

Some people mean well when they say things and others really do not cope well with not sharing the spotlight. Well, let me tell you, this is one spotlight you really don't want to share. If you need attention so badly, you have greater issues than grieving the loss of a loved one. This is a private journey, and sometimes it is extremely lonely. Some days it feels like the pain will never go away. The guilt of not having done all that could have been done when it should have been done sets in, and it drains you.

Grief and guilt often intermingle and confuse themselves with pain and anger. Sadness seems too difficult to define so anger becomes an easier path to take. There is almost comfort in some anger, blame and hurt are constant companions and often lead us down dark paths. They are not caring friends who have our best interest at heart though. They do not care if we grow and heal. 

And so, I am getting lost in the real reason for this letter. I want to tell you how much I love you. How much I miss you and how I want to make you happy by doing what you would want me to do. I can promise you I will try. I don't know if I will get there today, or maybe not even tomorrow, but I will get there. My promise is as real as Heaven.

I know I will see you again. I know you are safe and happy in the arms of Jesus. I know you are at peace and feel nothing but love. All these things I know, but my heart-well, it still feels pain. It doesn't mean I am giving up, because I will never do that, just please be patient with me. And don't forget to send me an occasional sign. Birds, butterflies, coins, feathers, clouds.. I love those signs, they help me heal. 


P.S. When I blow kisses to Heaven..please know they always come with a hug!