Friday, December 6, 2013
When Life Gets Painful
I wish this post was easier to write. My heart is so heavy. I usually on a scale of 1 to 10 have about an 8 day. I am coping better with the grief and working through the rough days. I am finding more peace within and am able to console others instead of dwelling inside my own pain. I call that progress.
My faith is filling me up and growing by leaps. Then, the bottom falls out. I am thrilled with the prospect of being grandma for the 9th time, 10th if you count my bonus grandson, and I am hoping he lets me some day.
When your child is hurting you comfort them. When you can't, if you are like me, you pound you head on a wall and want nothing more than to take her pain away and absorb it. Such has been the last few days.
Tina and Jacob lost their baby due in June. To some, babies are not real until they are outside the womb. To us, babies are real once you know they are part of you. You feel blessed and chosen and excited and scared and all at once you are swept up into a bundle of emotions culminating in a beautiful gift of a child. Such was their world until this past Thursday when the doctor could not find a heartbeat.
The worst sound in the world is no sound when you are anxiously awaiting the rapid tender beating of your baby's heart. Your world changes in that split second and sadness overwhelms you with the knowledge that for whatever reason, your baby will not be born into this world.
With faith I can say I don't need to know why, but I must admit I question Tina and Jake having to suffer through this, but then it will strengthen their bond of support and love they already created within their little family. I believe that God has a plan and we are all part of it, even their little tiny baby, who has already been chosen to go to Heaven.
I believe Tina and Jake were chosen for their strength and their faith, whether it has grown or needs to grow, only God has that answer, but that is between Tina, Jake and God. I will pray for them to have peace and acceptance during this time.
When life gets painful, I drop to my knees and look up to the sky. There I seem to find my peace. In prayer, I can talk with my Father and rant if I need to, cry if I want to, and feel His love all the while. He never turns His back on me, even when I am in a tantrum. He knows my pain and tries to comfort me. I am not ashamed of my human frailty. I am weak and I know His perfect love will forgive my weakness.
Please keep my family in prayer and remember God's love never fails, His plan has not yet unfolded and we must answer in faith to His calling. My newest Grand Angel rests peacefully in the arms of his or her Aunt Shannon, with the Heavenly Father watching over them both. Some day I pray they will greet me at the gates of Heaven so I can take both of them in my arms when they welcome me home!
Blessings for a beautiful Christmas Season.