Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Angels Two and Three

It occurred to me that I haven't really introduced you to my other two Angels...Kim and Tina. God blessed me with 3 Angels, two are here with me and one is back home with her heavenly Father. Kim is in the middle and Tina is the youngest. Each one of my girls is very different from the other two in some ways, and a lot like the other two in ways close to the heart. All three love fiercely, protect their own and consider family extremely important. They all make great friends and work hard, have a great sense of humor and love people in general. Their differences make them like night and day when it comes to cooking, going "green", politics, religion and temperament. I won't give away any secrets as to who has the bad temper or doesn't hang out in the kitchen much..I think those traits came from their father's side of the family! Just kidding, their quirks are what I love about each one of them. Each one has a very special place in my heart that belongs only to them. I know God blessed me because He shared three of His most precious children with me. When I think of it, I am overwhelmed by His love for me.

He entrusted them to me to raise and mother and love and nurture; and when it came time-to grieve.
It has been a journey of painful love that has brought the sisters to where they are today in their walk.
Both of them have become much more aware of their love for each other, and for Shanny. They both have regrets and are dealing issues of guilt. Both have come a long way in a year and both have been there for each other and me. We each have days that we lean on one another for strength and love to get us through a particularly trying time. Out of nowhere a memory will present itself and fill us with
deep regret at how we handled a situation, a squabble or disagreement. It's harder to handle now because Shanny isn't here to call and cry with and hug and ask forgiveness or be angry with or laugh with or kiss or any of those things we all to often take for granted with a loved one. You know how many times I said-I'll call her tomorrow. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow. I'll straighten it out tomorrow. As of Feb. 10th,2011-my tomorrows had run out with Shanny. Was I angry? YES-with myself, with the doctors, with the nurse who wouldn't tell me Shanny was going to be alright, and with time for going too slow and going too fast all at once. But not with God..My head was spinning then and to be honest, it still spins occasionally to this day. It's still hard to believe my baby is gone.
Do you see what I just did? I was totally into Tina and Kim and our journey and just like that, I got off track. It's like that some days. I can't stay focused at all. Thank goodness, when I pray, God already knows my heart, because I'm sure I get lost in that too!

The truth is I rely very much on the girls now for support. Our journeys are different-but we have great respect for one another and we are good listeners. I don't pretend to know what it is like to lose a sibling. I am blessed God hasn't called any of my sisters or my brother home yet. Seeing my girls ache for their sister is one of the hardest things I've had to go through-I can't fix it. I can't take their hurt away. When they were little I could hold them, rock them, soothe them and kiss it and make it better. Now, I can listen..love them where they are and pray for them. As a mother, it doesn't seem enough. I'm sure if you have children, no matter how old they are, it doesn't matter, they are your babies. There is no feeling greater than holding them, stroking their hair and kissing their brow. I do it regularly with my girls. I am grateful they allow me to hug and kiss on them freely. I am a very demonstrative person and need to feel and touch and smell as well as see and speak my love for them. I don't think that will ever change. I hope not. I find them both to be such miracles. Truly, I feel so blessed that God honored me to be their mother. They bring me such joy and laughter.

We talk a lot every day. Some people would say too much, but for us it works. It was the same when Shanny was here. We could talk several times a day and really not say too much. It didn't matter, we knew every call brought a smile, a giggle, a groan, smirk or WHAT NOW?!?, but we all loved each and every call, each and every day, and still do.

I have always cherished and loved my girls. I didn't always make the best decisions when it came to raising them. I hope they have forgiven me for  my mistakes. I don't know that I told them enough when they were growing up how special they were to me. It does amaze me how God makes each of us in His likeness and yet each of us are uniquely beautiful. Whether it is the color of our eyes, or the tweak of our nose or the shape of out teeth..our insides are ours to develop and shape. We can them as beautiful and loving as we choose. God spoils us with gifts daily, doesn't He? Talk about your
'doting' father!

I love you Jesus..thank you for daily gifts and my Angels 1-2-3!