Wednesday, February 29, 2012

When I Close My Eyes

Gussie, Shanny's youngest ended up in the hospital with an asthma attack and a spot of pneumonia. Jason looked worn out and God bless him, he had to run home to pick up some clothes, and his laptop and some things for Gus. Poor little guy, exhausted from a long day of doctors, nurses, breathing treatments and just the general trauma of a hospital ER and admitting process, did not react well when daddy left. His grandpa greeted us with a smile. Gus red faced and wailing, sobbing for daddy looked miserable. I was reassured he was fine-just missing daddy.

Walking in on that scene stirred something in me that went against every fiber in my being. I had a very hard time seeing this little boy wrapped in his mother's blanket sobbing-inconsolably. I went to stroke his back and he withdrew and cried louder. Realizing I was only antagonizing him, I stepped back a little, tied the balloon I brought onto his bed rail and smiled at him. He stopped for an instant and then began to cry in earnest again. Sobbing as if his world were coming to an end, he continued to rage on for another 20-30 minutes until sheer weariness overcame him. He literally cried himself to sleep. How heavy my heart was that I could not reach him. Even sadder, his mommy wasn't there to hold him, and rock him like she used to do.

It was then I realized if I closed my eyes I could almost see her there, laying next to him with her arms gently wrapped around him, snuggled in her blanket. She was stroking his back softly and gently rubbing it in between little pats. She liked to touch his fingers and cuddle with him. That is why he looked so peaceful and serene to me. Mommy was there and he felt her presence as he slept. Sometimes, life doesn't always seem fair. I can't explain the gut wrenching pain I get when those little ones need their mommy, or when Jason looks like he needs his best friend, and that was Shannon.
Often he looks lost, sad in a way that I can't begin to explain or reach. So strong was his bond with Shanny. When this pain comes over me, the only thing I can rely on is prayer. I don't need to understand God's plan. I don't need to know the 'why' it happened. I just want to be able to give comfort to the ones that need it. So, I pray that in my weakness, I find strength. Strength to reach beyond myself and touch a little one's heart with the love of a grandma. Or I am able to offer some comfort to my son (in law) when he is hurting by a word or touch. I know that if I ask God will provide the means.

When I close my eyes, my world shows me a different reality. It shows me if I believe that God truly watches over us and loves us-He will never let His children suffer needlessly. He does provide their mommy,  sometimes in the dreams of a child when their world can be perfect. Sometimes, in a letter she has written if she is far away. Sometimes, on the telephone or the other end of a computer. But, God does provide. So, when I close my eyes, I see Shanny with her kids on the couch, with her blanket, cuddling, laughing, loving..she is only a thought away-when I close my eyes.