Sunday, February 5, 2012

Going Back...Last Year at This Time

This week will be very difficult for me. I seem to be remembering the events from last year at this time day by day. I caught myself pulling out a calendar and checking my notes on it. Reading the captions, Jewelry Party, Fundraiser, Children's Liturgy, etc. Why? Am I wanting to punish myself? Do I want to somehow close my eyes and go back in time? Of course! Wouldn't you? Last year at this time I had Shanny and I would call her and talk with her, and see her and touch her and ignore her calls, if I chose to. And now, reality is...I can't do any of those things. I must tell you-it kind of bugs me when people say, " she is here in spirit."  I know that, but really? It just isn't the same as kissing her on the forehead and smelling the sweet scent of just showered skin and freshly washed hair. I got to do that sometimes, if I was at the house and she would grab a shower while I was there. I miss that. She would come downstairs in her PJ bottoms and T-shirt, hair in a towel and snuggle with her blanket on the couch. For a time, we would forget how old she was, and I might sneak in a cuddle, she liked her head and back rubbed sometimes. Especially, if she wasn't feeling well and I would go over just to be with her. I don't know that I made a practice of doing it, but I did it a few times. You see, it isn't how much I did something, it is that I did it and I can remember it. I am thankful for that gift. God is good. I lean heavily on prayer throughout my day. When I get up in the morning, I still try to forget she is really gone. When the reality hits me, I pray. As I get ready for work I pray for focus at my job and patience throughout the day. On my way to work I thank God for the day, and the day before-just in case I forgot the night before, I want to be covered. Even though, I know Him well, and He gets me. Depending on my day, I share many "Aha" moments with Him as my cubicle is filled with pictures of my family and grand kids. I have many opportunities to share with people throughout the day and when I meet new 'friends', as well. I end my work correspondence with-Have a Blessed Day..I believe in sharing, sprinkling seeds of faith everywhere and letting them grow and blossom. Today, the pain is not physical. I am going to smile and relax with the knowledge that this gloomy day has a purpose-I am here, where I need to be right now. Tomorrow, is another day and I will pray for direction as I continue my journey through grief, knowing I am not alone-My Friend, My Father is with me. He is giving me the strength and courage to make this journey. The Power of Prayer and Faith make it possible for me to grow and share along the way.