Saturday, February 25, 2012

A Heavy Heart

I am not sure what I am feeling as I write this-sadness, hurt, anxious, emptiness..a heavy heart.
This day has been a day of reflection for me, I remember last year watching my son-in-law wrap my daughter's cumber bun lovingly around his waist and wear it proudly to the Justice for All Ball. Shanny had died just two weeks before the ball. What devastation and sadness filled our lives, crowded our minds and completely ruled our hearts. Still, Jas found a way to make an appearance at the Ball and carry Shanny with him by wearing the new wrap she had bought for her dress as his cumber bun. He truly is an amazing man. A year has gone by and I will be sitting with the kids again as Jas makes his way to the Ball, without Shanny, without the love of his life..with a heavy heart.

As the year came to a close, I wondered if I would feel differently, and some days I actually function pretty well. I go to work regularly, although my memory isn't great, my work is okay. I can concentrate better now and I stay on task for more than a minute or two without drifting, but there is still an emptiness inside, an untouchable place that doesn't fill back up-like a sore that just won't heal, my heart will never be the same, this feeling..a heavy heart.

I still look up at her picture and for a second or two, forget she isn't here, and then I remember and that sinking feeling comes back. The sadness is overwhelming at times, so much so that I will walk in circles until I am tired because I can't make it stop hurting and the sadness won't stop. Other days, I can look at a picture of her and see her for the beautiful young woman she was-my daughter-my angel-and blessing. Although, I must admit, I love to look at pictures of her and pretend she will call me any minute and we'll talk about something silly just like we used to do, or she'd sing to me or talk me into some outlandish shopping spree or crazy adventure..I miss those calls, I miss her-it is good to cry and let it out, but it hurts-and my heart, my heart is heavy.

I am learning to share my feelings more. When someone asks, how are you? It's really okay not to give the standard, great, how about you? Some days, I simply say-I really am okay today..other days, I may need prayer, and it is okay to ask for that. I am a pretty real person, I don't like mind games especially when it comes to grief. My grief, your grief-anyone who is grieving has enough on their plate, they don't need insincere dialog. So, I like to believe if people ask, they really want to know. Honestly, I don't always have the strength or energy to devise a clever answer so you are pretty much going to get the real deal. My point-if you really don't want to know-don't ask; because if I am having a rough day, I'm already dealing with a heavy heart.

The sun is shining but I am not really feeling it. I will pray for the opportunity to take me beyond my grief today. God will provide, He always does. Your prayer and support are always welcomed and appreciated-my family and I rely on God and friends and family a lot. For emotional support, for a smile, a kind word and a hug of understanding that this might not be a good day, we just might be dealing with a heavy heart.

What I have learned is there are no tears that God cannot dry, there is no sadness that He cannot lighten, there is no hurt He cannot heal or spirit too broken for Him to mend. And my heart-no matter how heavy my heart-He will lovingly hold it and me in His arms and gently soothe me until I rest.
In the midst of my grief, God loves my heavy heart.