Friday, March 2, 2012

Ask and It Shall Be Given to You

I am not sure if that is the correct verse but I know it is something similar. I always said it like this,
'Ask and you shall receive.' It was just easier for me to understand.  The part that isn't so easy is the receiving. Prayers go up and answers come, but the answers aren't always what we think they should be. Sometimes, the answers aren't even close to what we asked for in our prayer. I must admit, it doesn't always sit well with me.

I like to think my faith is strong. Yet, there are days when my faith is sorely tested. Those tests come in all forms. Our responses can either strengthen our faith or dissolve it. Usually, if I am perplexed by a situation and I don't understand the response to it-I pray. I quit praying for understanding. Now, I pray for acceptance. I learned a long time ago..God knows best. Just because I don't understand His plan is okay, I can't see the grand picture He has in mind. But I do know when He unveils that picture to me, I will again be in awe of His artistry.

When I say some things test me, I mean it comes in all sizes and forms. For instance, the news can be a great source of confusion and doubt. A story about a family comes on the news. Mother, father and four year old are going to hospital to pick up healthy newborn and bring home. Should be a joyful event, right?  For everyone, parents, sibling, grandparents..well, a major accident occurs, mother and father and sibling are killed, newborn survives. The 18 year old that crossed the line and killed them, worked with the mother of the children. How does such a beautiful story turn so tragic? How do we begin to explain it? How do we not say-Why did God let this happen? Think of the devastation and pain. The grandparents everyday will be reminded of their son or daughter, and their grandchild, because they are raising the surviving infant. The young girl will live with the guilt of the accident for the rest of her life, no matter what the circumstances were-she survived, that alone will cause her guilt.

There are other situations that create a shift in faith or an inkling of doubt. Things like a bad break-up, a job loss, or divorce. These are all events that can lead to shaky ground but nothing like death of a loved one. Nothing has plunged me so deeply into indescribable pain. Physical pain, that left me wailing and wanting to bang my head on a wall to relieve the pain in my heart. After weeks of numbness and fits of tears, came days of listless, uncaring existing from one moment to the next, not feeling anything and not wanting to, almost adjusting to the weariness and dense fog of shock. The pain would momentarily dissipate until I remembered my daughter died. Then I was washed with grief and drowning in gut wrenching sadness and the feeling that someone had ripped my heart out or worse, had ripped only part of it out, and I was forced to live without the rest of my heart and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

What about my other two girls? How can I heal their pain? I can't stand to see them suffer and hurt and grieve for their sister. I cannot fix this. This is a mother's job. This is what I do. I fix things. Only this time, I can't. I have to give it to God. I have to know He will cradle my baby, and love her and stroke her head, and sing to her. He will do all these things and more. He created her. He loves her. He grieves with me and for me. He loves me. He wipes my tears and gently leads my way through this darkness.

Prayer, in whatever form is truly our communication with God, Our Father. He will provide. He listens and He hears, and He answers. Will it always be what we think we want? Probably not. Will it always be when we want it? I doubt it. But this I know is true-God is a keeper of His promise, He will not fail us nor forsake us, ever. So, ask and you shall receive. My prayer, is always, Lord let Your will be done and let my will be Your will and let me set about Your work today with a happy heart. Amen

I don't need to understand..I just need to accept. God knows we are hurting. He knows our hearts. Each one of us. He knows our needs and our desires. If we believe in Him, then we trust He will do what is best for us. It isn't always easy and it isn't always what I think I want or need. But deep down, I know it what's best..because I believe.