Sunday, March 4, 2012

For Now..

Today I have experienced so many different emotions. I have been sad, happy, peaceful, restless, anxious, weary and so very grateful.
I miss my Shanny, I want to hug her and feel her close to me again. It feels like a lifetime ago that I
hugged her. That is so painful, it is such an emptiness that nothing will fill up. So for now I will pray..

I spent time with my sisters and family last evening-we were celebrating John's birthday. There was so much love in my sister's house, I could feel it everywhere. I am so keenly aware of my feelings now that I experience everything at a heightened level. That may sound a little crazy but I think my need to emote went into overdrive after I lost Shanny. There was a sense of deep love awakened in me that I had let go dormant for a long time. I had become comfortable in my daily routine of family, kids, grand kids, work, weekends, work, etc. My mind had become absorbed with  "too much life in too little time." After I regained my ability to think and comprehend and care, after Shanny died-I had a new perspective on life. I cry now, some days, wail for a day, to show her I have learned how to love more and think less. But my time for that is not now, but I have faith that one day I will share my lesson with her, I will hold her and say all the things a mother should say to her daughter, but for now..I pray.

I ask My Father to guide me in my steps daily because my steps are shaky and I am weak. I am nothing without Him. I am grateful, so very grateful He holds me in His hands and shelters and protects me. He has dried many a tear, and wiped my face, kissed my brow and lovingly soothed my tantrums of grief.
He knows my pain-He gave His son.

Tonight I went to a benefit for a brother of a friend. The family had planned this benefit and he was called home before it took place. We gathered and caught up with friends and had a great evening. David had a wonderful idea. If we all gathered and broke bread and supported the grieving family, wouldn't that make life so much easier? I asked if that isn't what funerals were all about. His response-no, not really. They are sad and solemn, we are happy and celebrating. This is how it should be. I love that outlook and I agree with him. But it isn't that easy when you are the one grieving. The pain is so intense, you hardly notice friends and family for a while. And so for now I pray..

I pray for direction and strength. I pray that God somehow uses me to reach others in their grief. He has been my rock and I want to share that with people, His Hope..so I will pray.

I want to remember Shannon for the beautiful young woman she was..wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. She filled so many roles and touched so many lives. I don't want to forget. Lord, I don't want others to forget her either. I don't always understand how other people can go on with their life and how life just keeps happening all around me, except it doesn't for me. It came to a screeching halt on Feb. 10, 2011. It has taken its toll on me Father, I am tired and my energy wanes. So, for now I pray..

I pray that if I choose to visit the past, that I will be strong enough to leave once my visit comes to an end. I don't want to live there, in the past. But now, Shannon is part of the past, because she is not present. So, how can I lovingly make her a part of my present and future?  That thought hurts, Lord. I can barely stand to utter the words. So, I will pray.

I can carry her with me in memory and honor her memory by dealing with some of the grief  and sharing Your love with others. To smile, to sing or whistle a tune, to whisper a prayer and shout His glory. But all of this takes strength and courage and I still need time to heal, Lord. So, I will pray..

I will take each day as it comes, Lord. Honor you always and in the midst of my grief I will find the joy you have blessed us with in the day. And if it eludes me til night, I will embrace the challenge in searching it out. That takes perseverence, Lord so for now I will pray.

I will work towards finding You always in the midst of my busy-ness. I will try to do Your will with a happy heart and accept today for what it is, a new day, a beginning..Ahh, Lord I need to pray.

I want to thank You Lord for your love and mercy. Your unyielding strength and light into my darkness. You, Father are my everything , my world and I just want to honor and glorify You always
with my words, my thoughts, and my actions, but I am human Lord, and I crumble and I fall. I get lost and I get sad. I forget sometimes, in my grief that You are there and You love me..I forget because my hurt overwhelms me, but You already know this, You created me. You are there every time I call Your name-in the early morning hours, in the darkest time of night-You are ever present on this journey of grief-with me, alongside me and some days-holding me up. And so, Lord-I will pray.

Today, this very moment I am glad to be alive. I am resting in the peace You have provided me.
For now.