Friday, March 16, 2012

Signs of Spring

I can feel her in the air! It is fresh and dewy. The air is warm and when the sun is shining is it actually hot on my skin. Flowers are just beginning to bloom. Trees are budding and the earth is bursting with colors of Spring. This is Shanny's time! Heaven must be getting quite a garden this year..

A year of adjustment has gone by. It seems almost too hard to believe. The Spring passed into Summer last year and before I knew it, Fall was upon us and then Winter. The Holidays were a blur. And, here we are again. I wonder if this year will bode differently. I wonder if I will feel the air and see the flowers and smell Spring? I guess it is in my choosing.

I heard the rain beating on the roof and then the windows. The spattering lulled me into a sense of
melancholy laziness. Time makes me think too much. Sometimes, that's not a good thing. I begin to miss Shannon so much it hurts. The pain causes me to become agitated and angry because I cannot
control it and I cannot change it. I forget the moments of peacefulness, I can't recall the warmth of God's touch at this time. I feel empty and alone and sad. I want my daughter back.

These days don't come as often as they used to in the beginning. It has been over a year of painful miserable days mixed with days of bearable, I can get through this, I know she is in Heaven days.
This just happens to be a dark, sad why? day.

This is how quickly my moods can change from understanding God's will to not caring what He wants, I want my daughter, to if I pray more and harder and longer and beg God more..but my world is forever changed. My life will never be the same and coming to terms with that takes time.

Staying busy usually helps keep my mind off of the devastating pain. I can function at a level that most would think I am coping very well. They don't live inside me. They don't think my thoughts, feel my pain or dream of seeing my baby again. I close my eyes and want to breathe her in. I settle for a memory of her scent. I walk about the room touching things that belonged to her, remind me of her, pictures of her. A card she wrote me. I listen to her voice on an old recorded work message. I play a video with her in it and make believe she is still here. Some days I can actually fool myself if I don't talk to anyone for a while. I can stay in bed, shut out the world and refuse the truth. But not forever, because I have two other children, a husband and eight grandchildren who love me and need me to live, to love I did before.

No, life isn't easy now. But I have a choice. Do I ignore the signs of Spring or do I choose life?

What will I do? I will pray. The power of prayer and my faith have brought me to this day. Thank God for His mercy and His love. He understands my pain and hears my prayers. He will give me comfort in my storm. Even the storm of my grief..