Saturday, April 21, 2012

Feelings...

I know they are there. I just can't describe them. You know what I mean? I can't label them. I am not any one thing..sad, angry, frustrated, I am all those emotions today.

Tomorrow is Eva's (Shannon's little girl) First Holy Communion. One of the bigger events in this little girl's life. Not only is Shanny not here to see it, but Eva didn't have her mom here to go with her and pick out her white dress and bride veil, her white patent leather shoes and lacy socks and it just isn't the same when a Grandma does it.

So, I am trying to get through the emotions and talk with God about what I am feeling so I can really enjoy the day and be in the moment. I am trying to converse with God one-on-one about it. My sadness and anger. I am saddened because Shannon would have been so proud for tomorrow. This is such a big day in Eva's life. A moment a mom wants to share with her daughter, and a daughter wants to share with her mom. Mom rolling your hair the night before. Hanging your dress up with the slip, crisp and white, the new shoes still in the box and the fancy socks laying next to them so that fresh out of the tub or shower, your clothes are ready to put on for your  special day. Downstairs, mom is preparing the food for the get-together after Mass, the house smells clean, and the cake has been ordered with the First Communion Figurine on top..wait a minute-that is my memory..maybe it wouldn't have been that way at all, even if Shanny were here. I can't say what it would have been like in the Dodson household. I can only tell you I will miss my daughter..

I am sorry for my selfishness, I think I am frustrated with myself for feeling this way. I think what should matter most is that the day is wonderful for Eva. That is what Shanny would want more than anything. So, I am trying to set aside my grief for the day, to reach past this sadness, even if I have to pray minute to minute to get through it, I will. Shannon would have been rushing around like a mad woman to make this day special for Evie..dress, cake and party..nothing would have been on time, ready or planned, that was Shanny..and yet-it would have been perfect. Somehow, Shanny made it that way, the way a mother can and does..I miss you daughter, I am remembering your special touch, your
sweet, special touch today. I will reach past my sadness and missing you and join in the festivities..
I love you, Shanny.
xoxox All the way to Heaven
Mom