Saturday, April 28, 2012

Right to My Heart

Whenever I am with my grand babies I see Shanny. I hear her in their voices when we play hide and seek and I see her in Evie when she dances and sings..our version of American Idol. Little Jason jumps out from behind the door, it never gets old, he giggles-it's his mamma's laughter I hear, I can see her throwing her head back to laugh, Jason does it the same way she did. My breath gets caught in my throat when I see him do it. For one tiny moment it takes me back to a different time when my baby was here. All too quickly, I realize my memory has fooled me once again. Right to my heart, I can't explain the isn't pain, it isn't sadness, it is an emptiness of sorts, a void, that will never be the same again.

When I am talking about her, there is a point in the story that I reach every time, when I stop-because I am remembering her, the way she was, alive and happy, silly and giggly. She wasn't always that way, but that is how I like to remember her. When I get to that sweet part of the story, the part that goes right to my heart, I stop for just a moment, hold her in my heart, and then go on with the sharing of the memory..that's how it is now.

When I go through a picture album or CD with Shanny can be healing, but also difficult. It makes me long to hold her. To feel her heart beat. To hear her breathe and hear her voice. I try to remember all of those, and when I can't recall them, it goes right to my heart..I begin to panic. Am I beginning to forget? No, I am just tired today. Tomorrow will be better, I remind myself, some days are better than others.

While I am writing this post, I have read several emails and posts from people who have lost loved ones recently. A husband, a grandparent, a young child, a boyfriend. Today, a mother lost her 23 year old daughter to a hit and run driver. Now, she must get to know the world of grief of a child. I would never want anyone to have to know this pain and heartache. I prayed especially hard for her today. I remember the fog God envelops us in at first. A barrier against the pain. I don't think I could have processed nor stood the physical pain of hearing the words at that moment that I had lost my daughter. And I now know God knew and was prepared long before I was, He was holding me up and keeping me sane through that devastation. Because He knew it would go right to my heart.

God has it under control-even the most horrible of situations we face-the death of our child. He knows the walk we face, the journey that challenges us and the spiritual fuel we need to get through it. If we turn it over to Him, He does provide. I have given it to Him several times on this journey, and taken it back. For some reason I want to own my grief at times. And then, I can let go of it again.

For now, I will pray for all those who have lost a loved one recently, especially a child..please Lord keep Your hand upon them. Keep them close to You and keep their loved one closer. Our children are the air we breathe and the steps we take..I know because all of my Angels go..
Right to My Heart!