Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Am Hurting

The past few days I have been sad. Since Easter really. I know Jesus is Risen and I am truly blessed. But I can't stop my heart from hurting. When people asked me how my Easter was, it was very difficult not to burst into tears this year. I miss Shanny so much my stomach hurts. I know it will pass and I will cope again, but right now, today-I am hurting.

For no apparent reason, my eyes will fill with tears and I will want to cry. I will catch a scent in the air that will remind me of Shanny and I will want her near. I find myself hugging my pillow during the night and waking up more frequently. I feel that heaviness in my heart that I cannot fill. I want to cry a lot. I don't want to talk very much and I am feeling lonely even in a room full of people. I just miss my baby.

I received a message from a young friend today. She was requesting prayer. You see she lost her husband about three years ago. She has three young children and this Friday would have been her wedding anniversary. My heart aches for her. I prayed for peace and serenity for her spirit. And I prayed that God would heal her heart. I asked God to help me reach out to others in pain and to look past my own. God opened my eyes and my heart to a new level of understanding through that email. That young woman is a mother and a widow raising 3 small children. Her faith astounds me. She knows God's healing and the power of prayer. How amazing she is to recognize her need for prayer and to reach out for special prayer for Friday. She didn't ask for a selfish reason..she wanted to be able to recognize the blessings she had while she was with her husband. How beautiful! No self pity, no anger or bitterness. I immediately prayed and will hold her in prayer again and again. She is a beautiful young woman and I am proud to call her "friend."

God has richly blessed me on my journey by continually giving me people who hold me up and who teach me the power of prayer and to hold strong to my faith. Even when my heart is hurting. Even when I want to hold Shanny and I know I can't. And when I am reminded I am not the only one who grieves for the loss of a loved one, He gives me the opportunity to reach beyond my hurt, and to help someone else in pain. Because when I pray for someone else, when I think of someone else, when I reach out to someone else-I am not dwelling on myself. It is healing for me to work through my grief by helping others. Whether it is babysitting, running to the store for someone, picking up their dry cleaning, or running another errand-stepping outside my grief, gives me comfort.

And so for now, I will pray. Thank you Lord for knowing my needs so well. You are here to wipe my tears and to help me wipe the tears of others. You show me how healing it is to listen to  others and to reach out and touch someone else in need. Whether it is for prayer or service or just to talk. You made my heart , Lord, and you know when it is weak with worry or hurt or sadness. You know how to soothe my soul with Your guidance and your patience and your encouragement. I want to be like You, Lord. Please make me an instrument of Your peace. I want to be a child always in amazement of Your Wisdom, Love, and Mercy. Thank you for Your love and gentle touch. Thank you for healing my wounded heart, for filling that emptiness and for cradling me, Father. Please give me the heart of a child and the innocent unconditional faith to let go and Let God!