Saturday, April 14, 2012

I Am Trying

I am struggling still with sadness. Missing Shanny has kept me in a funk for a while now. Usually I can pull myself out of it after a bit, but lately, it has been very emotional. It seems to be affecting most everything I do.

I am not energetic as of late. I do not have the energy to do the things I need to do, much less should do, or even have the intention of doing. "Wanting to do" isn't even on the list. I can't muster up the mojo to get a move on!

My heart is so heavy. The sadness is overwhelming. Everything reminds me of Shanny and makes me miss her even more. I am saddened when I think about her, and sad when I don't.
Things are out of whack. My eating habits have gone awry-junk food is my friend now and I don't eat much in the way of normal food. I sleep for a couple of hours and then wake up for several more. I can't seem to stay on task for periods of time without losing track of what I am trying to accomplish.
My mind seems like it is unfocused, confused. I might be doing it on purpose, to try and block the hurting. I don't know, I only know I miss Shanny and even praying isn't helping right now.
I know there are dark days even with faith, but they drain me. Physically, emotionally and spiritually-these days take a lot out of me. I want to cry out and I can't. Tears aren't always the answer. The intense pain just won't stop. The physical pain is deep inside my heart. I can't seem to reach it. I am exhausted. I keep a prayer calendar for others. When someone messages me for prayers, I put them on my prayer list. If they mention a special date, I note it so I won't forget to pray especially hard for them on that date. This seems to help a little because it takes my mind off myself...and my pain. It forces me to realize I am not alone on this journey of grief. It isn't all about me. So, get off the pity pot, Rose!

I read some of the emails from others, their stories, their life...what they are going through. It hits home. They are just as lonely, just as hurt, just as sad. I am not in a private club. All of us are members and don't want to be. Missing loved ones-hurts. Time, they say-heals. I admit, the pain is different from last year. It is not as immobilizing. I function somewhat better now. I can work and even hold a conversation to some degree before my mind drifts. I take less medicine, less often to cope with the anxiety and the pain.

Most days I smile. You would say I have generally 'returned to normal.' Whatever that may be. Not today, not yesterday or the day before. But this struggle is for me to figure out. I give it to God and I take it back. He will let me..after all, it is my struggle. He certainly doesn't demand I give it to Him.
I have left it at His feet, walked away..and actually gone back for it. I can't let go. I feel like a traitor when I let go. I keep telling myself-I am not forgetting my baby, I am just trying to live in this world without her in it. Believe me, it is not easy. Somehow, that does not feel right. As her nother, I don't feel I have the right to be here, and her not. I should have gone first, she has three babies and a husband-who need her desperately. I think that is at the root of all this sadness. My grand children want their mommy. My son-in-law wants his wife. I am a poor fill-in for her. I am not her. I cannot fix this. I am powerless over this.

So, I am reaching out and asking you all to pray that I have the strength and courage to give it to God. One more time-Let me, let Him heal my wounded heart so that He might use me to reach out and help someone else. That is really what I am doing here. I am here to love and serve. Please Lord, help me be a good servant, and reach beyond my pain and grief and show your face to others so that they may see Your power and Your strength and Your gentleness and Your awesomeness. You are the Great Healer of sorrows, Lord. I am blessed to know your love and your mercy. In Your Sons most precious name..