Thursday, April 5, 2012

Just a Dream

I woke up startled. I almost picked up the phone to call Shannon. Then, I remembered I couldn't reach her..she really is gone. It came so fast- her face, her lovely, sweet, smiling face..it was right there. So close, I could touch her. Feel her silky hair, smell her fresh soapy scent. She really was right there.
I threw open my arms and waited for her to run into them. She simply disappeared. Dreams can be cruel.

I have been anxious all day. I can't seem to get my mind where it should be. I stare at her in the pictures on my desk at work. It seems so real. Her being here. She should be sending me an email soon asking me how my day is going. Or calling me and putting me on hold, because she really is too busy to talk, but we like to hear each other's voice throughout the day. Or wanting to know what we are doing this Sunday-it's Easter. Where's a good hunt, Mom? Let's get all the kids and take them on a good egg hunt, right? We can do that Saturday in between ball and scouts, and shopping and laundry and gardening and whatever else she had on her agenda, but we would fit it in!

I am somehow shaking my fist at the sky and giving God a piece of my mind about life's unfairness..
My tears are running down my face, my nose is running, I am stomping my feet and raging at Him about missing my daughter..when all of a sudden it hits me..He needs me right now. He is so sad right now. He is hurting, too. His Son is about to be beaten and crucified for my sin. Then He will hang on a cross to die for my salvation. Not only does the Father know this-He had to ask His Son to give His life for us. He felt the love of a Father and the fear and the pain of the Son, for me.

Now, He cradles my baby in those same loving arms. And He fills my heart with His love and that of my grandchildren. He knows my needs and He completes my story. He fulfills my dreams. Tonight He blessed me with the sweet hugs of Olivia, my youngest grandchild and time with Shanny's three. JD (Shanny's oldest son) answered the door and hid behind it, blew a whistle and I nearly jumped three feet off the floor! He thought that was hilarious. His smile and giggle was Shanny! Not in a dream-right there for me to hug! God does provide. Little Gus had me laughing with his humorous take on a video game..he is so not 4 years old. And Eva, she is my wild child. She has Shannon's love of life, her free spirit, her natural ability to believe that she can do anything she sets her mind to..dance, sing, entertain..we had a grand time while dad was out.

Before I knew it, dad was home, Evie was fast asleep on the couch, Gus was curled up in his chair with momma's blankie, and JD was finishing his computer game for the evening. Me? I was feeling less anxious, more loved, and so very grateful for a God who knows me so very well. He gives me what I need and it isn't just a dream-His love is for real!