Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Do Angels Cry?

When it rains the Angels are crying..I have heard that since I was a little girl. You know, like when it thunders, the Angels are bowling..

Now, that saying matters to me-I want to know if my Angel is crying. My daughter Shanny, does she get sad, does she mourn her life with her family here on earth? Does she miss my hugs the way I miss hers?

And where do we get the answers to these questions? Who in this life can tell me about my daughter in Heaven? I couldn't sleep again and was missing her so, Mother's Day right around the corner, my birthday, too. I'm sure I am reacting to all of this, but I am saddened by  HER loss. I feel she was robbed of her joy way too early in her life. She absolutely loved her kids beyond reason. She had her days, not all were picture-book perfect, but she was a terrific mom who knew how to love. What she didn't get right the first time, she was willing to apologize for and try again..

I know I am afraid the kids will not remember her. That saddens me to think they don't remember the hugs and kisses and peek-a-boo, and car rides, and vacations, and dinner times and birthdays and Christmas Mornings, and a million other memories they should have with their mom they will never have now.

I think I am angry. I have never felt this way before and I might be experiencing anger with the situation itself. I know I am praying daily not to hate the reason for her death, and I ask God to give me the grace to be forgiving because it is not my job to judge others. But, I am her mother. She was mine, to birth, to raise, to love, to nurture and to watch grow in her family life, and in the end..she was mine to bury. Please pray with me for strength to go through this part of grief. I do believe this is the worst.

I remember when my girls were young. Taking them to the doctor even for a check up could be trouble. If it meant shots, I either had to turn my head or leave the room. The thought of anyone-hurting my children, turned me into a raging crazy person! If I thought a teacher was too rough on them, or unfair-many trips to school later, one of us left with a better understanding.

Shannon was your classic "good girl." She was easy to raise, and not difficult or moody as a little girl. She spent a lot of time with her MiMi, her grandma and grew extremely close to her. She could melt your heart and win you over with her smile and personality. As a teen, she became more of a
challenge. Even then, she had a way that seemed to be out of her era. She was a free spirit. More of a
60's product of life, than an early 90's teenager. She was never really wild or out to make trouble. The
hardest thing for me was her smart mouth and her decision to move in with her father for a while.

Following that time period she attended college and had a strong positive attitude and frame of mind. She dated some but not outrageously, and when she met Jason-that was pretty much where her love story was written. It was not a simply written story either. There were many chapters that I thought would bring it to an end but always, the two of them managed to resurrect it and eventually they worked through all the issues and built a beautiful relationship and a strong wonderful marriage. Their three beautiful children are the stars of their love story and it should have lasted much, much longer. So many chapters were left unwritten.

But I am not the critic of life in this world. I don't get to orchestrate or plan lives out. I am only human and have to watch them unfold as God would allow them, irregardless of human error by doctors and tragic mishaps that cost my baby her young 34 year old healthy heart to stop beating-forever.

So, if I sound angry or upset-I am. I want to know if my Angel is crying in Heaven. I want to know if she is missing her babies as they grow up each day without her. I wonder if she misses their kisses and their hugs. The countless-I love you, Mom..from morning til night that was music to her ears and the chatter and laughter that filled the house daily. I wonder if she is saddened by the thought that she will never see them graduate from schools, go to their proms, date or get married. For Shanny, college was a huge part of life-so, watching her children graduate was always in the plans and now she won't be a part of that either.

There are so many events those kids won't have their mama there for and so many events that over the past year she has already missed, birthdays, holidays, First Communion, backyard parties. Her own 35th birthday party. I don't get it, Lord. Why when there are so many bad people in this world, did she have to go? Why?

I am struggling with my anger and my faith and the desire to see my daughter again. I am sad and angry and hurt and broken, Lord. I don't want this pain. I am not wanting to question Your plan or Your will. I don't need to understand, but I do need to accept. I cannot do that without Your grace.
Please, Father God, grant me peace and acceptance of Your will. That is my prayer for today. For acceptance of your will..

Because today, I am sad and angry and I want to know if my Angel is crying..In the end I couldn't wipe away her last falling tear, I couldn't take her hand and make it better. I couldn't do the things a mother is supposed to do when her baby cries..and I am saddened by that thought-that her last tear fell on her pillow and I wasn't there to wipe it and kiss her, Father, please kiss my Angel for me. And if she is crying, wipe away her tears, and replace them with Your Heavenly love..

Please tell her I love her..that I will always love her. I will never forget her and I will keep her memory alive. I see her in the children's faces, in their eyes. I hear her giggle sometimes and I see her dance moves when Eva is rocking out! Her love is all around and lives in each one of her children. She taught them well. How to love, how to give, and how to live..her words..
I want to live
I want to live
I want to live..
You are, Shanny, in your children and through them, you shall forever be remembered and live. So,
please do not be sad, and please don't cry, my Angel.