Sunday, May 6, 2012

Out of Nowhere..

The day dawned sunny and bright. Cheerful thoughts when my eyes first opened and my feet hit the floor. Thankful for the new day, cup of coffee in hand, I was computer bound to pay some bills and get some bills together to mail and make a bank run..normal Saturday stuff.

Pet the dog, feed the cat..second cup of coffee, read my emails, remember to let the dog back in, and refill her water bowl..I am on a roll. Litter box-cleaned, check. Dog food bowl filled-check. Dog inside out of the heat-check. Cat, where is the cat? Under my chair..check.

Last minute check, bills in hand-ready to go, out the door-forgot to kiss the hubby, back for a second, kiss, kiss-check. Out the door, off to the bank, radio on-memory sneaks up-out of nowhere-tears, sobs, gut-wrenching bawling, can't breathe, stomach hurting-miss my daughter pain. Out of nowhere..
I don't know what happened between the car starting, radio on..and the racking tears. I can't really tell you how or why-it just is what it is, when it is, what it is, and that is just how it is..some days.

Those tears must have been locked inside me, stored up. I didn't feel like I was saving them up, but some days I can't figure out what, why or when..looking back on it. Does it really matter? I just had a moment, that's all. I should be able to cry when I have to, wail and shake my fists at the god of the unthinkable beast called "death" that stole my daughter from me..The thing is, I am not angry, not at My God, anyway. He is a Healer of the Heart and a Protector of the Soul..He is making sure Shanny is at peace in Heaven..

That is something I really want to know. I have read that when people go to Heaven, they no longer miss this world. They would not want to come back..Part of me gets that and part of me says-did you know Shannon? She lived for her husband and kids. Part of my grief process was coming to terms with not being able to ease my child's pain any longer. I had no way to console Shanny. One moment she is kissing us and smiling her smile and saying..see you in an hour, fully expecting to see us, her husband and kids and go on with life..and then---no more smiles or giggles or outrageous comments.

Only did I see my baby under a white sheet, a little saliva still on her sweet lip. I remember dabbing at it and thinking, this cannot be a moment someone will tell me you are asleep and will be awake soon..but that never happened. And so, I stroked her silky blond hair, kissed her many times, held her hand and wept for what would never be..

Over a year later, I am still weeping and am sure I will be for years, maybe until I leave this world.
The pain is always the same-in my heart, where no one can reach it. No doctor can fix it. No medicine can cure it. So, I will pray.

The words today are in my head, but God hears them. He listens with His heart. So when we have a
heart-to-heart, it makes a lot of sense..the words mingle with the tears and I ask for grace and acceptance of His will, always. Thy Will Be Done, Father. But I need strength to cope, grace to
accept and Your love to spill over..Help me, I am weak and sad and broken, but with Your touch I will be greater than my pain. Amen