That happened this week a lot..I haven't been getting the best rest, but I was sleeping. I have been agitated to say the least. People have been getting on my nerves more easily and I noticed myself snapping and over-analyzing comments and even FB posts. Really, I was tempted to shut down for a minute because I was feeling too many emotions.
The pure and simple facts are I miss my daughter Shanny. I am working my way through this grief process one day at a time. Frankly, no two days are ever alike and most every day is not the same as the day before. One day I am feeling the presence of God strongly-He has me firmly in His grip and is not letting go. I am strong and I am making progress..the very next day, not so much. Now, don't get me wrong-God still has me in His grip-it is me who is letting go, and I know it in my heart. But some days my head and my heart are not in sync. It is like there is a total disconnect. Does my faith change-NO! But I am human and I stumble. I get sweaty palms and my hand slips away for a moment, but I know God is waiting for me..He never takes His eyes off me. But He allows me to find my way back. Because the lessons I learn along the way back, are what keep me moving in this life. Those lessons-moments and words of love, random acts of kindness, sheer and open emotion shared with a co-worker, an unexpected hug from the grocery clerk..all these moments, these lessons in love and life are the energy I need, the juices that make my heart pump joy and the very reason I CAN and DO reach for God's hand again. I call it His Spirit in Flesh. He allows me these beautiful blessings and encouragements and then I in turn am so filled with His love and the Spirit's gifts that I want to share my joy..that's on a good day!
Not every day is like that for me and I am sure not for you either. The only difference is-I am struggling with the acceptance of my daughter's death. You might be struggling with whatever it is you are working on in your life..the name for my struggle is grief.
The emails I read every day tell me I am not alone, they tell me of love that is shared between mothers and their children. They tell me of the joy in hearts that has been crushed and stolen and robbed and taken for what seems like-no reason. I cannot tell you I understand, I do not. What I do know is I am weakened by my loss, but I know God and He can overcome any loss, any pain, and He will take your hand and your heart if you allow Him..He will and through the power of prayer, your faith will begin to soar. So, if you have even the strength to give Him just enough faith, tiny as it might be..He will take it and grow it..stronger each day. Will He give you the answer that we all want right now? WHY? Maybe. He hasn't revealed that to me, and I do not even ask anymore. Instead, I pray for acceptance of His will. And strength, to pray more for those that cannot pray for themselves, because their pain is too great right now. I ask every day that He allow me to reach at least one heart with a word of hope.
Because after all, I am a work in progress..I cannot begin to know your pain-it is just that-YOUR pain. But I can express my caring heart-because that is what I have to offer, a caring heart, a listening ear, and a tender shoulder..Blessings on this holiday weekend, prayers for our soldiers and their families, and all the Veterans who have gone before them; and hugs to Heaven for all of our Angels!
PS-To Kim and Tina, my Angels here, I love you more than you know and hope your journey is one of peace and understanding. Give it to God and do not take it back..He will see us through our pain, because He is greater than any sorrow and more powerful than death..
There is no shame in any struggle that helps us grow. There are no tears the Lord cannot dry and there is no greater love than God's love for us. And then-He created Mothers-to love and nurture and nourish their blessings, their children. So, it stands to reason that when our blessings are called back to their Heavenly Father and are no longer here with us-our hearts will ache and sometimes, break. It doesn't mean God no longer loves us-because He calls them home to heaven. Rather, I believe-His love is so great and His belief in us so strong-that He is rewarding them with Heaven. And to us, their mother's-isn't this really the greatest gift we could pray for and have answered? To know our child is resting in the arms of their Heavenly Father? In a Heaven where there is no pain, no illness, no sadness, no darkness-only beauty and light..where they can sing their song and dance and laugh and play..even if they could not do those things here in this imperfect place-I believe in Heaven they can do all things..
And so I pray that one day I, too will go home to Heaven. To hold my dear daughter in my arms again. To hug her and kiss her with the love that only her mother can give her, because God chose me for that most precious duty. Until then, I am His and I pray for His love and mercy and the guidance of His Holy Spirit every day while I take this necessary journey through grief. Like I said, I am His and I am a work in progress..