Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day 2012-A Conversation With God

Today is  Mother's Day. I prayed for all Moms everywhere. Especially my mom in Heaven and Shanny who is in Heaven instead of rushing around the house brushing Eva's hair  for church and getting Gus to go potty before leaving the house for church..this is where she should be..but she isn't. And I know, I should be more accepting of God's will and trusting Him and my faith should lead me on my journey as I go through the necessary steps of grief to finally accept the death of my daughter. But, sometimes it just isn't that easy. Sometimes, on days like this, it actually is quite difficult. When I look around church and see all the little families with the mommy and daddy and kids and then there is Jason and the kids and me..

I question God,why? I know you ask-you just posted that God heard your prayers and gave your peace, and I am here to tell you that was yesterday-today is today. My grand babies are here, with flowers in hand, and no mom to give them to..so yes, I am a little upset. My human-ness does not like my grandchildren hurting. I don't like seeing my son-in-law trying desperately to figure out how he can be both mother and dad to his kids, because today is Mother's Day and the kids have no Mother, not in this world, not in this life, not in this church, not to go home to, ...he is dealing with his own world of hurt and I can't fix it for him, as much as I want to. My heart aches for him. God spoke to my heart today. God said-plain as day-trust me-if you love me-trust me.

I said-God, if you love me, help me. Help me accept your will, and help my children accept your will without hurting. I want what is best for my grandchildren. I made a promise to Shanny and I want to keep it. It's Mother's Day and I want to be a good mother, is that so much to ask? How can I be sure the kids will remember her? How do I know they will remember how very much she loved each one of them. Who will remind them every day when they get older? Who will tell them stories and point to her picture and ask, who is this? Shanny's greatest fear was that the kids would forget her, and I promised her two things..one, that I would always keep her memory alive for them and two, I would always be there for Jason and the kids. Neither one, a hard promise to make or want to keep.

God said-Do you think I want any less for your Shanny than you do? Do you think I want any less for Jason and the children than you do? Do you think I want your girls to hurt and miss their sister so terribly and that I don't care if they are hurting?

I was quiet. For once, I did not have an answer. I am 'mom' but He is God..He created me and my Shanny and Jason and the children and my children and Mother's Day..so, yes, He gets it. Does that make my pain any less real? No, of course not. But, I do need to consider when I pray, the words I
am saying..Our Father, who art in Heaven..Holy is Your Name. This is one of the only written prayers I actually recite..it has such deep meaning to me. It brings me to tears and very often, to my knees.

On this very special day of days, I want to remember Mary-Jesus' Mother-who knew my pain so well. She knew the pain of giving her child to God, watching Him suffer horribly and hang on a cross, and suffer degradation for hours before He mercifully died. Did she feel anger, I wonder? Did she question God's will ever? Did she cry out, God stop this-You are all-powerful, don't let this happen to my son. Because, her faith was so strong, I don't know. I know the love for my girls, but I am not sure if I can not question God because I am human. But I do know this-God understands. He
knows my questions, my anger, my fears, my sadness and my pain. He hurts with me, and weeps with me, and soothes me when I break, because His love for me is greater than my pain or my sadness, or my anger or my fear.

My Mother's Day was wonderful, with my girls and grandchildren filling my heart with love, my sons (in-law), I rarely include the in-law..loving them like my own, and my husband, my sweet husband, understanding my need to be busy..I got to spend time with my sisters, since it was Joyce's birthday on Saturday, we spent time together twice this week. Yes, it has been a week of blessings. So, in my sadness and my anger, I remember to pray, because God is good and He is bigger than my pain. And today is Mother's Day, and I am thankful for my beautiful mother and the Blessed Mother who knows my pain and shares my tears, as well as my joy.

Happy Mother's Day today, tomorrow and every day to all the mothers that have gone before me, and the mothers that are in this world now caring for their children and loving their way through  it all..
As my mother used to say to me, May God Bless you and keep you close to His Heart.