Sunday, May 20, 2012

Testing, Testing...Can You Hear Me Now?!?

I am blessed. I know it. And yet, I am angry. Why? I keep asking God the same questions so I am wondering if He can hear me. It has been over a year snce My Shanny was taken from me. Not just me, but her entire family. Her husband and her children, her sisters and MiMi. So many people are hurting, and yet there are no answers. I know, I know-hence the title of this blog, right?

My daughter told me she was worried about me, I was isolating. I am lashing out at people that don't deserve my anger. This isn't their pain, it isn't their hurt, and it certainly isn't their fault. To them, I need to apologize..I am misdirecting my hurting heart. She is right, of course..I am doing that. It is ironic, lately we have changed roles. I was the one who was holding her up and trying to guide her through her grief and show her the power of prayer and faith..

I had a friend who recently said she was also concerned. She couldn't imagine my pain, but Shanny is at peace now and would want me to move on, to be happy because she is happy..part of me wanted to hug her and at the same time, part of me wanted to snap at her..I AM WEAK! I AM STRUGGLING!!  I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT TO BELIEVE ..and before the words came out of my mouth I knew I had to pray for courage. I want to accept God's will in all things. I really do. But some things are not easy to accept. Time is said to be a healer. In matters of the heart, I am not sure if that is true. I miss my Shanny, the same today as I did when she was taken from me. It is no easier now. I am just coping a little better because time has passed.

I think there might be a testiness to my prayer lately. More of a cranky, hurting tone in my prayer. I have asked for peace, I was given peace for a time. I have asked for patience, I had that for a time, as well. I continue to pray, but it is getting more difficult, as time passes to be accepting of other people's reactions. I do not like it when others move on through life as if Shanny was just a fleeting moment in their life..I believe she should be the center of every conversation, all the time-so no one forgets just how special and wonderful and beautiful and amazing Shanny made this world!

I know that is probably not a realistic approach-but it is my reality for now. I do not like hearing, she is happy now, so move on. I do not like change and I do not like it that I do not have my daughter to hug or kiss or talk with or be mad at or laugh with, or argue with or cry with or any of the things we used to do when she was here with me..

I do not want to see her kids without their mom. I do not want to see Jason without Shanny at his side. I do not like seeing her headstone in the cemetery, and no matter how many flowers you decorate it with, it still means the same thing. She is not physically here with us anymore. Well, I don't like it one bit! Can you hear me now, God? I am angry and I want to know why You had to have Shanny! When there were so many more reasons NOT to take her, You took her. I just don't get it! I have read, "When God Doesn't Make Sense", and the real answer is You don't have to answer us.
You don't have to give us any answers at all-that is where my faith comes into the equation.

I can't really say that comforted me, but I do know I believe. After all the ranting and raving, I do know this to be true-My God does hear me. He loves me and He understands my anger and my
anxiety and my pain. I will continue to pray and I will continue to believe. And I will probably have
days when I will be angry and sad. I will shake my fist at God and yell," Can you hear me now?"
And He will answer me..with love and patience, because it won't be the first time and it probably won't be the last..