Friday, June 29, 2012

Heaven Will Wait

I have been feeling very sad as of late. So sad that I really wanted to go to sleep and sleep forever. But, I was forgetting some extremely important people in my life. My other two Angels, who love me, and need me here with them. To love them and my grand-angels right now. So, heaven will have to wait.

I am so blessed to have daughters who talk with me and not at me. They are such a blessing. I learn so much from them. All three of them have taught me very valuable lessons over the years. I am very proud of the women and mothers they have all become.

Seeing my doctor on Friday helped, I am sure. She adjusted some medications and added a mood stabilizer for anxiety. But my real source of help came from God in the form of a conversation and a long hug from both of my girls on two different occasions. The Good Lord provides us with the best medicine!

So often I get caught up in the grief of missing Shanny, I forget the privilege of being a mom doesn't stop because God called one daughter home to Heaven. I have two Angels here with me who still need me.  I have an opportunity to do with them, some of the important things I missed doing with Shanny. As sad as that may be, I cannot let the sadness overcome my being "mom" to Kim and Tina. They deserve my love and attention, too. I also have eight beautiful grand-angels to shower with love and affection! My life changed on Feb. 10, 2011 and it will never be the same again; but I cannot stop living and life is not waiting for me to move forward. I know it sounds terrible but life is happening all around me and as much as I want to scream at the world to stop and recognize the loss of my daughter-there are hundreds and probably thousands of other moms and dads who are going through the same grief. From the outside, we look the same. Most people do not know what is happening inside our minds and our hearts every day. And sadly, most will not care because they are not affected by our loss. But isn't that true of other people who are suffering?

We all carry our own burdens. We must all take our own ownership of our pain and sorrow. We can choose to live there, and get stuck-and probably not survive the journey, or we can visit and allow ourselves time to
feel our loss, grieve when we need to and continue to live our daily lives as best we can while we sorely miss our loved ones. The choice is always ours to make. There are resources to help us . We have the ability to see a counselor, or find an open group that deals with grief, visit blogs like this and vent as often as you need or journal on your own. Grief is a process and I am learning it is not a one-size-fits-all.

For me, I am learning day by day, if I lean on God more-pray, ask, vent to Him and seek the help I need here from a counselor or my doctor, if it gets to be too much to handle-I am on the right track. That might not be the answer for someone else. Their journey may be different. That's ok, too. I can be supportive of their grief process, but I cannot direct their journey, God is my stronghold and I do not know who they lean on for comfort. Prayer is my vehicle of communication for the most part. Singing on a really good day, and crying when it's not so good. God knows me-He knows my moods, my feelings, my days ahead. He has this. He holds me in the palm of His hand-lovingly..So, for me, I will continue to pray because I know the
Power of Prayer and Faith as a Mother Grieves.