Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Do I Know?

How do I know when I talk with you-that it is really you? I mean, is it me? Talking to me? Or is it you..
Sometimes, I think I want it to be you so badly, that I sense your presence, but then, I wonder if I am making the whole thing up, because I miss you so much.

How will I know??  The thought of you close to me is such a great comfort to me. The conversations seem so very real. Even the voice inflexions-I can hear you saying the words I hear in my head..does that mean it is really you, or that I have a very vivid imagination that includes audio affects?

I pray and ask God but I am not sure if I am really listening for the answer..I want to, but I'm not sure I'm really ready for the...this is God speaking speech-the voice you hear is NOT Shanny's...I don't think I could handle it.

Then, my next question is does it really matter if it is indeed, Shanny? Is it enough that I believe it is? Is it hurting anyone if it isn't my sweet baby? All the comfort I get from our visits and our talks..I can't imagine why God or anyone would want to take that away from me.

So, why does it bug me so much? Why am I asking the question? I think I really want to know the truth. Someone asked me if I believe in mediums. I know it is considered evil in some religions. If anyone could tell me if there are any 'real' mediums, then maybe I would consider a reading. Right now, the only One that knows the future is God. He is the only one who can give me answers if He is inclined to do so.

I am not sure where this blog is headed, it is getting heavier than I intended when I began to write. But I do feel that many of us as we grieve for our loved ones encounter situations when we feel we might benefit from a reading or a psychic of some sort. I believe it has do do with the level of grief I am in at the time. How deeply I am grieving for my Shanny at the moment that predicts my weakness or feeling of inclination to delve into the psychic world.

My faith should always be in charge of my doubts. But there are days, like today, when I am missing her and I want to know she is near me. That when I feel her-it really is her I am feeling...not a coincidence, not a fluke, but really the essence of my daughter. I want to know God blesses us with these feelings and encounters. And that I am not imagining her closeness out of loneliness for her. I don't want to deceive myself..

And so I will pray for more insight-or faith, or understanding or whatever God says I am needing right now at this very moment. God knows my heart. He knows my needs and He knows my faith and my desire is to please and grow in closeness to Him..

Because He knows that I know..
The Power of Prayer and Faith as a Mother Grieves!