Thursday, July 19, 2012

It Happened Again

It happened again. A girl about your age turned around and I thought it was you. I know it couldn't have been, but for one brief second-I thought it was.
This happens on an average of about 2-3 times a week. If I am lucky, I don't burst into tears when I realize it isn't you for the thousandth time..
I have seen you in church, in the supermarket,  in the resale shop, in Kohl's, in the salon, in the post office, in the dollar store, in the mall, in the park, at the theater and at the library to name a few places. I have approached some of your doppelgangers and struck up a conversation, but that is disappointing in the end, because they could never be anything like you-only you were you.
Sometimes, I find myself telling the whole story of how you passed away to a total stranger to ease the pain, and for a few minutes it helps. The pressure seems less and the hurting subsides a little. The throbbing in my head goes away for a bit and I can breathe without gulping in air..yes, after a year and a half, I still have these days.
My therapist inquired recently-so, no matter how much time passes, you can't seem to get past this? Needless to say, I have a new therapist. Medicine dulls the pain, the symptoms can be treated, but the ache of the heart is real, and only God can heal that pain.
The reason I am writing today is for affirmation, I think. I need to know there are others who have experienced this feeling of seeing double, so to speak. Then, the total letdown of realizing the fact that my child still lays buried in a cemetery and God did not choose to raise her and bring her back to me. Okay, I'll admit it, I did pray for that in the beginning. I prayed first it was a nightmare, and I would wake up. Then, I prayed, God would bring her back to me, crazy as that seems. Then, I realized how selfish that would be. We are living our lives to prepare for eternity in Heaven and I was hoping to rob her of that residence as I am recounting this story to you..I did retract my prayer. God allows that you know. If we realize what we are praying for is not right-we can go to Him and say-I have reconsidered, that would be unkind or selfish, please disregard that prayer, and He will. He knows our hearts, He just waits for us to know our heart and then He smiles.
I hope and pray for folks who are experiencing their own painful loss, that they too, find solace in the smile of our Heavenly Father because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!