Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Right Next to Jesus

Good Morning! I was deciding about how to write this blog and as I was brushing my teeth before I had to leave for work, it came to me. I always know where Shanny is, she is right next to Jesus. I carry her in my heart, right next to Jesus. Never far away, so if I am sad, I just think of a memory that makes me smile, and it goes to my heart and there she is, right next to Jesus! It is a very comforting thought for me. Especially, as a mother. I still worry about her some times. I can't help it. Just like I worry about Kimmy and Tina. It's the mother in me.

But, I know Jesus knows my heart and understands that instinct to know they are alright at all times. It doesn't matter that they are grown and married and moved away. That really doesn't change much. As a mother, our role goes on forever. Even after death. Only my worry has changed to prayer.

I am comforted in the knowledge that Shanny is with her Heavenly Father and He has promised peace for all eternity. For a mother, it does not get any better than that for our children. So, that comforts my spirit. It doesn't take away the pain in this world for my other girls, and that's where my pain begins. I want to heal their hurts, and my son in law. He is hurting so, and I want to support him. I am sure when he sees me I am a reminder of Shanny and that has to hurt. So, he always has one foot in his past with his love for his past life and one foot in the world trying to get a grasp on today and raise the kids as a single father who knows that his children are hurting and miss their mom desperately. I prayer for him daily to find his way and to know always I will be there for him.

My girls must forgive themselves and move on with the knowledge that Shannon is at peace and she wants us to become spiritually aware of God's promise so that we can join her one day. We must make our journey our own, one day at a time, it is not a race and it only belongs to us. We can support each other but we must realize, our relationship with Shanny was our own, and our journey is our own. Just as Jason will one day move forward, so must we with our family and our lives. Never forgetting Shanny, always remembering her with love and respect and cherishing every day we had when she was with us.

That is why I hold her dear to my heart. So, when I am working, or just busy living life, she is only a thought, a memory away. I am never forgetting-but life does not stand still and will not wait for me to grieve. It is not fair, but it does not give me the time I need to reflect and think of Shanny when I want to, so I keep her in my heart, where she stays forever and no one can claim that space. That is where she will be forever. That part of my heart belongs only to Shannon and it is okay. I have a BIG heart that holds a lot of love for a lot of wonderful family and friends who all have a special place, but Shanny's is right next to Jesus' where she will be forever more.

I will always pray for strength and guidance from the Lord. If He wants me to change, if His will be done differently, so be it. As for me, prayer is the answer to every question, faith is key to every lock in life, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.