Saturday, September 15, 2012

When Your Heart is Heavy

Today is one of those dark days. The sadness of so many things is already creeping into my day. I feel lost in the middle of it all. When I try to fix it on my own, I actually fall further into the darkness. I need to buck up, say a prayer and give it to God.

It doesn't matter if I exhaust myself trying to figure out where the sadness is coming from, it still hurts. I am finding more and more the root of the sadness isn't what matters, giving it to God sooner-that matters. Prayer changes things. Maybe not instantly, but I will notice the cloud lifting and a lighter spirit.

I like to think that all my sadness evolves from the loss of Shanny, but this isn't true. Day to day life, situations that come up in my relationships create pain. My actions-can create pain. My reactions-can create pain. This is life, I don't always get it right. I need to relinquish my hold on the situations and give them to God. Prayer increases my ability to relax more and stress less. Prayer allows my heart to breathe. Prayer gives me light in the dark moments.

I know I can't avoid life. I can close myself behind a bedroom door. I can will myself into feeling ill, and I can pretend it will all go away-eventually. But the real answer is to pray. Even if my prayer is silent, it is still heard. Even if it comes through tears, God hears me. Even when I feel hopeless and helpless, God is an ever present source of healing, if I just pray.

Quiet can bring about change. A quiet spirit has time to reflect. Reflection often stirs the heart and mind into an action of resolution. Facing the pain, whether I caused it or am caught up in it, will determine the path I take to letting it go. Prayer before action is essential. The only peaceful resolution to a problem comes from prayer. Prayer to deal with it, act on it, or not, and then letting it go, once I have done my part-praying for enlightenment and pureness of heart. If I am wrong, let me admit it, make amends, learn from it and move on. Dwelling on sadness or pain-tires my spirit.

When my heart is heavy, there is something I need to pray on. My spirit is being robbed of its light and peace. Prayer lifts that cloud. I may not like what I learn, if I acted irrationally, or out of selfish reason, but I will have a path to take and a resolution to the problem. My choice is being ready and willing to take the truth and God's answer and live with it, or to continue in self-pity and allow my spirit to suffer.

Sadness can cover up a lot of my darkness. Missing my daughter is real, living without her every day is real. My actions are still my own, whether it is sadness, anger, frustration-my actions are still my responsibility. I can't blame her death for my life. A heavy heart needs attention, but first it needs prayer. I understand now, why it is called grief. It comes in many forms and disguises. The only cure for it is time and prayer. Our actions will be affected by the intensity of our grief, but we are still responsible for those actions.

When my heart is heavy-I must remember to pray, because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.