Thursday, October 18, 2012

What Fall Means

Fall  means pumpkins and leaves and scarecrows and haystacks.
Fall means memories of visits to the pumpkin patch.
Fall means spices and cinnamon and orange and yellow corn and pony rides.
Fall means remembering good smells and candy corn and pony rides from my childhood all
mixed up with memories of Shanny and the kids at the pumpkin patch, and now at Tina's coloring
pumpkins with Kim and all the cousins..
Fall means creating memories, remembering Falls past and braving the memories because we miss them so.

Sometimes, I smile when I think of the Falls from my childhood. Halloween,  dressed up silly and going from house to house with sisters who conned me out of candy by making unfair trades. Staying up late with our heads stuck in pillow cases assessing our candy stash and deciding what we would keep and what we would part with for a better or bigger candy bar.

Raking up leaves only to be outrun by a faster sister who would leap into the pile before I got the chance to do it! Loving the smell of burning leaves in the front yard and just spending time with my dad. Walking in the park and taking in all the colors of Fall and collecting pine cones just because...

Then, I remember doing some of the same things with my own children. Watching them as they grew into little girls and then teens and then young women. Spending time with them is such a complete blessing. It warms my heart to see them with their own children. I think that's when I miss Shanny the most, when I am with Tina and Kim and the kids. I am finally getting the hang of this Mee Maw thing, and she isn't here to see me. I think she would like the way I have evolved. I know I do. My grand-Angels fill my heart with pure joy!
I sure do miss Shannon though.

My heart feels like I have a hole in it some days. This is one of those days. All the colors of Fall can't hide the pain. Maybe, tomorrow will be better. I will keep praying because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves.