I believe she sees us going about our hectic lives and doing what we do day by day. I really believe she watches over us as we live our life each day. I wonder if she knows how much I miss her every day, every minute, every time I see her picture, or hear her name or someone asks how I am doing. Grief does not
go away or become less painful-it lessens in frequency, if anything; in degrees, or percentages, if it were measurable. I do not know how else to describe it. The pain is still raw when it comes and it can come without warning. Spilling forth like a river overflowing its banks, it will exhaust you with its intensity. I have had more days and sometimes weeks without breakdowns. Perhaps, this past year there have been a couple of months when I have felt almost overcome with a 'high.'
I know she is in Heaven. I know God holds her in His arms. I know she is safe and in a better place. I get all that, but still I am restless with the part of me that says-I am her mother. I need to be with her. So, I struggle with the reality of what is here and what God has taken back. Does it sometimes cause anger? YES! Some days I am angry. I want her back. I don't care that Heaven is the ultimate answer to a mother's prayer, I want her here with me. Selfish as it is, it is real.
So, does Shannon ask if we remember her? Or is it me questioning if she remembers me?
I picture her blowing kisses to her babies. Hovering over them and snuggling with them on the couch. I see her in the yard with the flowers, her face planted in the middle of some sweet smelling plants or flowers with her grin.
I don't know what Heaven is like but I imagine it a wonderful place, but for me there is still a 'but.'
The human in me just doesn't get it. How it is to be so far away from those we love and be at peace. I'm not sure if that would be possible for me. My faith dictates it is, but my head and heart are struggling with it.
Shannon, if you can read this-you are thought of, prayed for and remembered each and every day. My love for you grows deeper and more meaningful as the days pass with the knowledge of my blessing in having you for a daughter.