Monday, November 19, 2012

You Are My Heart

I thought of you today-no surprise, right? I think of you everyday. But today I thought of how it could have been. I imagined life with Shanny.
This morning my phone would have gotten me up bright and early-you would have been chirping about 6:30 am-"Mom, mom, mom? Pick up, mom..."
When I call back at a reasonable hour your response will be, Gus got me up so I needed someone to talk to me. I was in the kitchen and wanted to talk..
I miss that phone call now,Shanny. My heart aches for the phone to ring.

And if this was our Children's Liturgy Sunday, you might have asked me to run and pick up a dozen or so, 12 inch sticks from the park before I head out to church, or could I pop by the store and grab some fishy cut-outs for the project you came up with. You are quite amazing how you balance it all! Full-time job, mommy, wife, volunteer, church, committee woman for this organization and countless other efforts you gave yourself to-and I would undoubtedly gather a dozen sticks somewhere or come up with the needed project touches. You are hard to say 'no' to.

If I needed advice-whether I knew it or not, you seemed to have the answers. Subtle and sometimes, not so subtle, you would work me over, I mean advise me on many different issues from hairstyles to proper office attire to home decoration, if you felt it necessary. I say this all with a smile, Shannon. I know you only meant it out of love. Poor Jas, I remember all the times you put him in the middle of our talks. One more reason I love that man so much. He has a huge loving heart.

All the bickering between siblings! Honestly, I thought it would never stop. It hasn't. Sisters will always be sisters. You all manage to disagree on most everything a lot of the time. But let someone else get caught in the mix, and then you all become united. My phone rings constantly, and call waiting-I am not sure I'm glad I have it! Some things never change..

Forgiveness-a really hard lesson to learn. You were tough on those you loved. You held them to very high standards. But you loved them with your whole heart. Every beat, every ounce, every breath in your body went into loving-you taught me how to love and to forgive. You showed me in your young life how to love but you showed me even more about forgiveness and loving without conditions. Thank you.

When I was weak-you were strong. I would call you confused or upset about a work relationship or a new job opportunity, and you would talk me through it. You would find my passion and if it wasn't in the new job, you would say, mom, it doesn't sound like you want the job as much as you want the promotion, is it worth it? You knew my heart had to be in it, for me to excel or it wouldn't work for me. I cherished those talks, Shannon. You were always so right in your thinking. For the most part, we had some disagreements, we sure did!

I found that when I voiced my opinion I felt better. The conversation might end abruptly, but I had to say what I was feeling on the subject, even if it meant not agreeing with you. I could hear your frustration, sometimes your sadness. I was never being intentionally obstinate, I just had different views on some issues.
Sometimes, we chose to agree to disagree and the subject was dropped. I had to be honest, Shanny because I had invested my heart and all my love.

I think I loved when you called me for no reason the best. Sometimes, you would whine a little and say, mom will you come over and just be with me. Sometimes, I fought you on it but when I gave in, we'd snuggle on the couch-you with your blanket, the kids, and at least one of the dogs. Jason might have claimed some time for himself, or joined us after working in the office. Those times were the most special, there just weren't enough of them, My heart aches for those times.

What I am learning in this life is my children and my grandchildren, my husband, my family and friends-
you are my heart!

And I will keep praying because I know the power of prayer and faith as a mother grieves!